


Lessons in Love

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Infidelity, M/M, Smut, Trans JD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:55:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: Everyone's got an opinion when it comes to the gossip at Sacred Heart. With most situations, the opinions vary and there's great debate, but when word gets out that JD is cheating on Elliot with Dr. Cox, no debate is necessary.  Everyone - from Bob Kelso, Chief of Medicine, to JD's best friend Turk and his new wife Carla, to each individual nurse and orderly - feels the same about JD's infidelity: he's the bad guy.  The last thing JD ever wanted to do was hurt Elliot, but he couldn't pass up the most intense, passionate, all-consuming love of his life.





	1. Baby, Can't You Read the Signs?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, and welcome to the first chapter of Lessons in Love! To start out, I want to give you all a few notes about this fic:
> 
> -JD is trans.  
> -Perry and Jordan never got back together and never had Jack.  
> -It is obviously set at the very end of season 3, at Turk and Carla's wedding and will make its way through the first half of season 4.  
> -I'm so excited for this fic and it's been a work in progress for quite a while now! I'm posting the first four chapters as I continue working on the second half of the fic.  
> -Kudos and comments are always appreciated more than you will ever know!
> 
> Enjoy!

             

              A brilliant smile broke out onto his face, full lips turned up as he laughed and sang along to the music.  His long, thin arm was wrapped around Elliot’s waist as they swayed and danced together.  He gave a nod to his best friend and his blue eyes, distinguishable even in the dim lighting, lit up with wordless communication.  It was evident that he was having the time of his life, yet I could focus on the one thing that only I had noticed: he wasn’t looking at his date, the woman he’d chased endlessly for months, maybe years.  His eyes jumped from the bride and groom to the other guests dancing all around them, to the band and to the bar – anywhere but her.  I wasn’t sure it meant anything, but I couldn’t help but feel resentful of the arm he kept around her waist.

              JD’s laughter carried over the music and I loosened my tie, grumbling to myself about those goddamn eyes as I took a sip of my drink, letting the smooth liquid slide down my throat.  I wasn’t sure why I was so intent on watching JD tonight, but I found myself unable to look away from him for long.  There was something about him, something different than when we were at the hospital, something so free and uninhibited, that demanded my attention.  That was why I had left the dancefloor; I’d been spending too much time watching JD and figured sooner or later, someone was bound to notice.  I had given Carla a quick peck on the cheek and wished her luck, intending to leave.  However, the open bar – and the chance to get a better look at JD from a distance – distracted me.  I seated myself at an empty table, toward the back of the reception hall, and though I felt rather strange, I couldn’t bring myself to leave.

              I couldn’t pinpoint the reason why the arm JD still had around Elliot bothered me so much, but the longer I looked at it, the more frustration I felt.  Perhaps it was because I had a certain dislike for her, both as a person and as a doctor, but it didn’t explain why I so strongly disliked that it was _JD’s_ arm.  I ran through the possibilities in my head: she might distract JD from his work, which would inevitably fall back on me; JD might start babbling incessantly about their relationship problems, which were undoubtedly ridiculous and pasty-white; or because I had a strange desire to protect JD and ensure he was making the best choices possible for his career.  Distracting himself with Blondie didn’t seem like the best choice, there was no doubt about that.  Briefly, almost too quickly for me to process, my brain flashed to a fourth and final possibility that I didn’t particularly want to entertain.

              I thought back to what had raced through my mind when I found out the two of them had gotten back together.  I knew what it had been then and I surely knew what it was now, but letting myself actually humor these feelings… It was another step that I wasn’t so sure I wanted to take.  It meant letting go of control, something I didn’t take lightly, no matter the circumstances.  But what the hell, it wasn’t like I had to actually _act_ on anything.  It had been jealousy.  Once I admitted it to myself, though, it became a slippery slope.  I was _jealous_ of one of them, and it sure as hell wasn’t JD.  I wanted that to be _me_ with JD, the two of us dancing and laughing.  I groaned and put my head in my hands, already well aware that I was far in over my head.  I could picture it easily, the two of us swaying to the music, pressed up against each other, knowing that when we left the reception and went home, it would be with each other.  Jesus, I was nothing short of pathetic.

              I knew that there was little to no chance of that ever happening – my chances of being struck by lightning were higher – and to tell the truth, I wasn’t even sure anything between us would even _work_.  What couldn’t be denied was that I wanted it, more than I’d ever wanted anything.  Seeing JD like this, looking so radiant and alight and, quite frankly, _stunning_ , I couldn’t keep my mind from racing ahead, imagining what the two of us could have together if we were given the chance.

              As I fantasized, I watched as Carla tapped Elliot on the shoulder and the two of them shuffled off the dancefloor, heading toward the bathroom.  Why couldn’t women ever go to the bathroom alone?  When Jordan and I had been together, she had always gone alone, but I imagined that it was because sacrificing a goat was more of a solitary activity.  I kept my eyes on Carla and Elliot long enough to watch them leave before I found JD in the thinning crowd once again.  It was easy, given the way I was drawn to him, more so tonight than ever.  JD clapped Turk on the shoulder before making his own way off the dancefloor, wandering over to another empty table nearby.  I thought for a few moments, weighing my options, before I decided that it was now or never.  At least this way, if JD denied any of my advances, I could get drunk enough to forget it had ever even happened.  On the pretense of getting another drink, though I’d barely taken more than a few sips from the one at my table, I pushed back my chair and stood, meandering over toward the bar.  My eyes flashed over to JD several times before changing course and walking up behind him.  I put a firm hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump.  I felt an inexplicable rush of affection – and perhaps a little more than that, if I was being honest with myself – when JD’s deep blue eyes met my own and he smiled, looking pleasantly surprised to see me.

              “Come with me,” I said, more mouthing the words than anything, since I would have had to shout over the music.  Without waiting for an answer, I turned on my heel, letting my hand fall from JD’s shoulder, and made my way through the maze of tables, heading for the side door that opened out into the parking lot.  I stepped outside and took a deep breath of the cool night air, letting the door fall shut behind me.  Just as I began to wonder whether or not JD had followed, I heard the door catch just before closing and knew that he had come.

              I had good intentions of explaining to JD exactly what I felt, but now that we were alone, standing face-to-face, I found saying everything out loud to be a much more daunting task that I’d imagined.  It wasn’t as though I was an open book when it came to my feelings, and I’d never been much good at expressing them verbally.  I preferred to _show_ rather than tell, but I knew that this would come as quite the shock to JD if I didn’t explain. 

              “Did you want to tell me something?” JD asked slowly, glancing around as if he expected someone to jump out of the bushes.

              _Yes,_ I answered nonverbally, mentally kicking myself for being such an idiot.  I was good at words, but when it came to admitting my true emotions, I faced a roadblock.  I always had, but I had been so confident, bringing him out here, that I was going to throw caution to the wind and just come out with it, but now I felt myself floundering.  I didn’t want JD to see my lack of confidence, so I made a split-second decision to do something else that I was _much_ better at and that required far less conversation.

              Throwing aside any last remnants of hesitation I felt, I stepped forward, simultaneously closing the distance between the two of us and looping an arm around JD’s waist.  Before he had any time to process the sudden change in position – and the unfamiliarity of it – I crashed our lips together in a searing kiss that was nothing short of frantic.  I was more than a little surprised to find that JD returned the kiss almost immediately, though I definitely wasn’t complaining.

              Mere moments later, I felt JD’s hands roaming over my upper arms, and I noted the confidence with which he touched me.  I had expected him to either run for the hills or, at the very least, be more timid.  Soon, fingers were threaded into my hair, pulling just enough for it to make me growl against JD’s lips.  I secured my hold on his waist and held him a little tighter, the two of us pressed flush against each other.  We broke apart for breath before diving back in with renewed fervor and a desperation that both of us seemed to feel.  I hadn’t expected JD to be so enthusiastic, but at the same time, it made sense that he would be – it was rare that JD didn’t put his whole self into something, be it treating a patient or telling a story.  I bit lightly at JD’s lower lips, testing the waters, and felt him shudder in the most delicious way.

              I realized this had been a long time coming, and I wasn’t referring just to watching JD tonight.  Looking back, I should have known the moment I found out he and Elliot were back together and felt the now-familiar stab of jealousy, but I decided I didn’t care that it had taken this long.  We were here now, firmly in the moment, and as far as I was concerned, that was the only thing that mattered.  It didn’t really occur to me that it was my fault that JD was cheating on his girlfriend.  What I wanted, I got.  Despite our usual dynamic, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that JD wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be.

              I dug my fingers into JD’s hips and felt another shudder roll through him.  In response, JD let out a whimper into our kiss and I swore I’d never heard a better sound.  I had half a mind to drag JD to my car and bring him home, but I knew the best man’s absence would soon begin to cause concern.  Regardless, I wasn’t likely to let JD leave without a fight.  I had a feeling that JD didn’t want to leave either, despite the fact that Elliot was probably waiting for him to return without any idea as to where he’d run off to.

              Our kiss lingered on, JD’s fingers still tangled in my hair, and I was content to stay this way for as long as possible, but all too soon, the door was thrown open and someone cleared their throat.  JD jumped back with a squeak, his eyes widening when he saw Turk standing in the doorway, looking none too happy about what he’d found.  My lips were still tingling despite the loss of contact, and both of us were panting.

              “Elliot’s looking for you,” Turk said, his voice flat.  I could detect his anger, most of which I assumed was directed at me.  Of course I was the bad guy.

              JD slowly backed toward the door, smoothing his jacket and his hair with shaking hands.  He kept his eyes, which were absolutely on fire with want, on me and licked his lips before he slipped back inside the reception hall.  Turk lingered for a few moments, staring at me with what I could only describe as rage.  Finally, he turned away and slammed the door shut, which I took as my cue to leave, though I wanted very badly to stick around to see if we could continue somehow.

              As I walked toward my car, my entire body felt electric.  I brought my fingers to my lips, touching them lightly.  No matter what I had to do, I was determined to make this happen again.  I had a funny feeling JD wouldn’t object if that final look on his face was any indication.  I gave the reception hall one last glance before sliding into my car, a hint of a smile on my face.

 

 

              I had everything planned by the next day.  I knew JD’s schedule by heart and, to err on the side of caution, Elliot’s as well.  Given the way she tended to run around the hospital, constantly looking harassed and flustered, I was certain I would have more than enough opportunities to enact my plan.  The ease with which I could do so was aided by the newlyweds’ absence.  I wasn’t sure how long they’d be gone on their honeymoon, or even where they were going, but I figured I was guaranteed at least a week without Turk’s glares and Carla’s judging eyes.  I knew Turk couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, so he’d probably already told Carla what he’d seen at the reception.  I didn’t have to worry about her condescending lectures until they returned, and I intended to make the most of it.

              I saw my opportunity late in the day, when Elliot kissed JD’s cheek and told him she was heading up to the cafeteria.  I was aware that JD’s eyes had been on me more often than not throughout our shifts, though I did my best to keep my focus on my patients, at least at the surface level.  It was a form of entertainment for me, to give JD just enough to keep him on his toes, keep him guessing, but no more than that.  That was, at least until Elliot was out of sight.  I knew we’d have some time now and all but dragged JD into the nearest supply closet.  The moment the door closed, I pressed JD up against it and kissed him hard, forcing his lips apart with my tongue, gaining entrance into his mouth.  His hands flew up to grip my lab coat and he sighed into the kiss, yielding to me without question.  My hands found their way to his hips once again, gripping them tightly.  It still surprised me how well we worked together, how natural all this felt.

              JD whimpered when I broke the kiss, but I didn’t give him any time to speak before beginning to trail kisses along his jawline, at which he seemed pleased.  I nipped at his earlobe when I reached it and felt his knees go weak.  I decided to keep that in the back of my mind in case I ever needed a bit of leverage against him.  I had a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t have the least bit of trouble persuading JD to do _anything_ now.  JD’s head hit the door with a soft _thunk,_ but he didn’t seem to mind as I continued kissing, sucking, nipping at his skin, making my way to his neck and throat.  I was careful not to leave any lasting marks, knowing we had to be discreet.  It was truly a testament to my self-control, considering how badly I wanted everyone to know JD was _mine._ Something about the way he gasped and arched into my touch told me he very much was.

              “We should – oh god – get back to work,” JD said breathlessly after several minutes, still clinging to my coat and seeming to very much _not_ want to get back to work.

              Still, I knew he was right, but I could barely force myself to pull away from JD.  He was intoxicating like this, gasping and whimpering, and so responsive to every kiss, every touch.  It was with a tremendous amount of regret that I placed one final kiss to JD’s lips and pulled away.  His pupils were blown and his cheeks were flushed.  He looked absolutely gorgeous.

              “Go on,” I said in a low, breathy voice.  “I’ll follow you.”

              JD took a breath and reached forward to smooth out the wrinkles in my coat.  “See you out there,” he replied before slipping out the door, leaving me to catch my breath.

              When I left the supply closet, it was back to business as usual.  Throughout the rest of their shifts, I found it difficult to keep my eyes off JD even though I threw myself into my work, checking on my patients and filling out the endless paperwork.  Despite my best efforts, I found myself pressing JD up against walls left and right, though both of us were careful to make sure no one was around when we did so, especially Elliot.  The on-call room, the deserted doctors’ lounge, an empty patient room, stairwells, and even the elevator – on multiple occasions – bore witness to increasingly desperate kisses and roaming hands.  I could tell by the way JD’s kisses became rougher that he wanted more, but it was inevitable that one of us was paged or we heard someone coming.

              I found myself growing more and more jealous every time I saw Elliot with JD.  She was constantly laughing at something he’d said and I was actually impressed by how convincing he was.  As if to reassure me that it was still _me_ that JD wanted, his eyes would flicker up from Elliot’s face to meet mine.  Those looks were enough to remind me of every single kiss we’d shared so far and the ones we were sure to have in the future.

              Unfortunately, we hadn’t gotten any more chances to sneak off for the rest of our shifts, which all ended in the early morning hours.  I walked out into the parking lot, not too far behind the happy couple, walking arm-in-arm.  As I broke off toward my vehicle, JD looked over his shoulder and caught my eye.  The lingering gaze he gave me only made the fire in me burn even hotter.  I had never wanted anyone more than I wanted him, and I felt certain he knew it.

              That night, all I could think of was him.  It didn’t matter what I put on TV or any of the various ways I tried to distract myself, he was the only thing on my mind.  I found I didn’t matter as much as I thought it might.  As I ran a hand through my hair and leaned back on the couch, staring at the TV screen without actually seeing what was on it, my phone vibrated in my pocket.  It was a text from JD, whose number I didn’t actually have saved, but the subject matter of the message told me exactly who it was.

_I can’t stop thinking about you._

              The feeling was certainly mutual.  Hastily, I began to type a message back.

_Makes two of us._

I wasn’t much of a texter, but this was definitely the most we’d talked since I kissed him at the reception, and I found myself _missing_ him.  God, I was in deep.

              His next message took a little longer.

_So what exactly are we doing here? Is this real?_

I snorted.  Real?  What about this made him think it wasn’t _real?_

_If by real you mean that I want you and you sure as hell seem to want me, then yeah, Newbie, it’s real._

If that wasn’t enough of an answer for him, I wasn’t sure what would be.  I hated that I couldn’t see his face right now and for all I knew, he was with Elliot.  That thought made the spark of jealousy inside me burn even brighter.

_You work tomorrow?_

A grin spread onto my face.  I knew exactly why he was asking and something told me that even if I _hadn’t_ been scheduled tomorrow, I would have gone in just to see him.

_On-call room at noon. I’ll see you then._

_See you.  Goodnight, Perry._


	2. You Could Help to Ease My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure: this chapter is predominantly smut. And by predominantly, I mean entirely. What a joy to write! :)

              Noon couldn’t come soon enough.  I’d been pacing in the on-call room for the last ten minutes, jumping at every sound outside the door and waiting for Perry to show up.  Our messages last night played over and over in my head and filled me with a warmth I had never experienced with Elliot.  I hated that I was doing all this behind her back, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her.  Before Turk and Carla’s wedding, I had resolved to stay with her, even though I had realized the moment she showed up at my place that I didn’t actually want her.  I supposed it was true, that I always wanted what I couldn’t have, but the panic that rose up in me at the idea of really _being_ with Elliot was undeniable.  I had essentially broken up her and Sean right before they moved in together, and here I was… not in love with her.  It would ruin her if I told her.  I knew that sneaking around, cheating on her wasn’t the right thing to do, but Perry was incredible and I knew I wouldn’t be able to quit him.

              Suddenly, the doorknob jiggled and I broke out of my thoughts.  I hurried to the door and opened it, letting Perry in.  Before he looked at me or spoke, he locked the door behind him.  When he turned back to me, I looked up into his eyes, beautiful and blue, and reached up to kiss him deeply, wrapping my arms around his neck.  He grunted into the kiss and his arms circled around my waist, pulling me right up against him.  I wanted him so badly I could hardly stand it and moaned softly when he slid a hand under my shirt, pressed flat against my skin and slowly moving up toward my chest.

              I couldn’t take it anymore and pushed his lab coat off his shoulders, our kiss turning hungry in an instant.  He began pushing me back toward the nearest bed, but using my last reserves of self-control, I placed a hand firmly on his chest and pulled back, breathing hard.

              “Wait,” I murmured, looking up at him.  “I – I have to tell you something before we go any further and I really don’t want it to be a big ordeal or anything, but you need to know.”

              Perry looked back at me, a mixture of impatience and confusion on his face.  “And what’s that?” he asked, searching my face with his hands still on my waist.

              I took a deep breath, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt.  “I’m transgender.  I know I should have told you sooner, but everything’s just been happening so fast and so _much_ and I’m –”

              Before I could say anything more, Perry leaned in and cut me off with a deep, thorough kiss.  “Jesus, kid,” he breathed, his lips brushing against mine, “I don’t care what’s in your pants.  I want _you_.”

              The sheer relief I felt at Perry’s words had me letting out a weak laugh, my hands trembling as I placed them on either side of Perry’s face.  “Then by all means,” I said, smiling up at him, “please continue.”  I had gone over just about every possible scenario in my head while I waited for him.  I knew he’d never hurt me, not physically, but I had to entertain the possibility that he might not want me when he found out.  It wasn’t something I took lightly, telling him, especially given the girls’ names he’d called me almost exclusively over my first year at the hospital.  He’d only stopped when I very firmly told him to stop and something about the way I said it or the way I looked seemed to have made him realize I was serious.  He had stopped after that, though he often alluded to my more feminine traits and tendencies.  Even if he had turned and ran, I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone else.  I also trusted him enough to know that the jokes would stop now.  He didn’t have to make promises or even tell me out loud.  As far as I was concerned, his acceptance was enough, at least for now.

              “Oh, I intend to,” Perry said, his voice suddenly much lower as he pushed me down onto the bed.  I was more than happy to let him do whatever he wanted, knowing that he wouldn’t stop until I was begging him to.  He hovered over me, kissing me soundly, as I reached down to start tugging his shirt off.  I wanted to see the muscles that I knew lay under his clothes, and he got the message, sitting up some to help me undress him.  “See something you like?” he asked with a teasing grin when he saw my expression.

              He was… _incredible._ All muscles and tan skin, radiating heat.  I reached out a hand, letting it rest on his firm, tight chest before I trailed it down his stomach.  He was everything I wasn’t, but instead of making me feel self-conscious, I was just in awe.  If he had given me more time to really think about the contrast between us, it might have bothered me some, but before I could ponder anything more, he was pushing me onto my back. 

              “Very much,” I finally responded, licking my lips as I looked up at him.  His eyes were fiery, a dark, stormy blue as he returned my gaze, one of his hands moving to my hip.  I gathered up enough courage to continue, daring to call him out on his messages from the night before.  “You said you were thinking about me last night.  Why don’t you show me what you were thinking about?”

              I saw his gaze shift, revealing the want in his eyes.  It was so sudden and so intense that I couldn’t help but suck in a breath.  If just his expression alone could do so much to me, what would it be like when he finally touched me?  The hand he had on my hip began to push my pants down, taking my boxers with them.  He seemed to hesitate just slightly, and not out of lack of confidence.

              “Go on,” I urged, knowing he was waiting to make sure _I_ was comfortable.  “Trust me, this is all I’ve been thinking of since you kissed me.”

              He didn’t need any further prompting after that, and I found my bottoms being yanked down, and I did my best to assist him in getting my shoes and socks off along with them.  After some struggling and an embarrassed laugh on my part, my clothes were successfully on the floor, though I kept my top on.  I hummed happily when he pressed his lips to my neck, kissing expertly.  My eyes closed as I felt his hand trail over my thigh, his touch almost too light.

              “Perry,” I breathed, my body responding to every touch and every kiss.  “We don’t have long.”  It was true – both of us had work to do, though our shifts didn’t start for a little while longer – but I also didn’t want him to get the idea that he could tease me and not deliver.

              He seemed to get the message and his fingers traced light patters on the inside of my thigh before he ended up exactly where I wanted him.  I let out a soft, breathy moan, careful to stay quiet given our location, when he began rubbing me in slow circles.  I hooked an arm around his neck and pulled him in for a deep, rough kiss.  The fact that it was Perry here with me made everything all the better.  I whimpered when he broke the kiss, though my eyebrows shot up in surprise when he began sliding down my body. 

              “You – you don’t have to do that,” I said quickly, even as he looked up at me skeptically.  “All right, go ahead then,” I muttered, letting my head fall back onto the pillow.  I certainly wasn’t going to stop him from going down on me, not if he really wanted to, but I didn’t want him thinking it was a requirement to get me off.

              Any thoughts of discouraging him from doing so fled my mind the moment his tongue touched my skin.  I grabbed at the sheets and my back arched up as he literally dove in, abandoning all pretense and giving me what was instantly the best head I’d ever received.  He was clearly experienced, his tongue circling around.  He was incredibly receptive to every sound I made, to every little movement of my hips when he did something I _really_ liked.  When he slid a finger inside me, I threw my head to the side and moaned into the pillow, trying to muffle the noise as much as possible.  I could only imagine how much practice he’d had at this particular activity, but I was grateful because I was in heaven.  He was merciless, moving quickly and determinedly, his tongue working wonders and his finger pumping steadily, curled in just the right spot at just the right angle to enhance everything. 

              There was no doubt in my mind that he was going to make me come, but staying quiet was another question entirely.  I couldn’t keep my hips still, though he brought his free hand up to grip my waist, holding me down at least somewhat.  I turned my head as far as I could to bury my face in the pillow, taking gasping breaths and letting out whimpers and moans that were as quiet as I could manage.  I couldn’t even entertain the idea of looking down at him because I knew it would be _too_ gorgeous.  I settled for whispering his name over and over, like a mantra, as I got closer to the edge, my hips rocking up in rhythm with his movements.

              “Oh fuck,” I whined, my eyes squeezed shut.  I could feel everything starting to build up, to the point where I knew there could be no return.  “Don’t stop, I’m close.  I’m so close.  Fuck, Perry, I’m gonna come.”

              As if to challenge me, he slid a second finger into me and pumped them even quicker.  I couldn’t help but cry out into the pillow and practically tear the sheets off the bed as I pulled at them.  My back arched and my hips bucked as I came.  His movements didn’t even begin to slow until my orgasm subsided, his tongue still lapping at me as the aftershocks of it all rolled through me in the most delicious way.  Part of me still couldn’t believe he’d just done all that without even being asked, let alone how perfect it had been.  If he wasn’t careful, I’d keep him down there for much longer than this if we ever got the time and the privacy.

              I just started to relax when he sat up and had the audacity to lick off his fingers, his eyes locked on mine.  If it was possible, he looked more incredible than I’d ever seen him and I let my head fall back onto the pillow, still trying to catch my breath.  He was going to be the death of me, I knew it.  He moved back over me and I could feel him, hard, pressing against my hip as he leaned in to kiss me. 

              “Fucking gorgeous,” he whispered and I felt myself blush.  The contrast between the way he was with me and the way Elliot and I were together was glaringly obvious.  She and I didn’t have the chemistry, the spark that was nearly tangible with Perry.  He was passionate and intense and when I was with Elliot… well, I just felt _blank._

              I pushed all thoughts of Elliot out of my mind and focused on kissing Perry back with extra enthusiasm.  “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you,” I breathed, running my hand down his chest.

              He grunted happily into the kiss and I felt him roll his hips up.  As fate would have it, though, both of our pagers went off just then.  Perry groaned and dropped his head onto my shoulder.  “God _damn_ it,” he hissed, staying there for just a moment longer before he pushed himself up off the bed, off of me, and reached for his shirt. 

              “I promise I’ll make it up to you,” I told him as I swung my legs off the bed and started pulling on my pants.  “As soon as we get a chance.  That… that was amazing, Perry.”

              He paused in pulling his lab coat on and his expression softened.  He kissed me quickly and handed me my shoes.  “We’ll figure something out,” he agreed.  Before I could say anything else, or wipe the ridiculous grin off my face, he left, heading off to start the day. 

              I followed as quickly as I could, making sure I was dressed properly after almost putting my shoes on the wrong feet.  My legs felt a little weak and I could still feel him between my legs.  Today would be interesting, of that I was certain.

 

* * *

 

 

              “I told you I’d make it up to you,” I purred, pressing Perry up against the wall in one of the less-frequented supply closets on the fourth floor.  “So what if it’s a day late?  I didn’t _forget_.”

              “Didn’t forget?” Perry snorted, though I didn’t think he could help from moving his hands to my waist.  “It’s been over twenty-four hours, Newbie.”

              “We were busy!” I said defensively, sucking hard at his neck, just below where his shirt laid.  No one else would see the mark, but I would know it was there.  He let out a weak groan and I felt a swell of triumph.  I knew for certain now that I had the same effect on him as he had on me.  “Now are you going to keep whining or would you like me to repay the favor?”

              His eyes flashed when I pulled back to look at him, full of lust and desire and _need._ He was stunning.  “Get on with it,” he urged, and I wondered if I would ever get him to beg for me.  Being as short on time as we were, I wouldn’t be able to test it out today – besides, I didn’t need to tease him right now.  He’d waited long enough already.

              Without further ado, I dropped to my knees and began untying the string that kept his scrubs around his waist.  I glanced up at him and saw a look of pure awe on his face.  “You like me down here?” I breathed, rubbing him through his clothes.  “On my knees?”

              He let out a soft moan, but his eyes stayed on me.  “You have no idea,” he replied, sounding a little breathless already.

              I loved that I had this power over him, that we were on equal footing here, even if I was on my knees.  I pulled his pants down just enough to free his cock, which was already standing at attention.  He was bigger, thicker than I’d imagined, and I had done a _lot_ of imagining in my free time.  “ _Very_ impressive,” I murmured, my eyes flickering up to his face once again.  I could tell he was hooked on my every move and as I wrapped a hand around him, he sighed softly, all the tension leaving his body.

              I stroked him slowly at first, pressing kisses to his hips and his lower stomach.  I wanted to make him feel as good as he’d made me feel.  Elliot and I had spent the night together, but I pictured Perry the whole time, even when her constant whimpering made it more than a little difficult.  He rolled his hips slowly, in time with my strokes.  I knew he wanted more and I damn sure wanted to give it to him.  Placing one final kiss to the top of his thigh, I repositioned myself and slowly took him into my mouth.  The resulting noise he let out, strangled in an attempt to keep quiet, was nothing short of glorious.  I kept my eyes on his face as I set my pace, slow but building.  His eyes were closed as he took short, shallow breaths, one of his hands resting lightly on my head, though he didn’t attempt to guide my movements in the least. 

              I worked him over, putting all my effort in to make this as good as possible.  I knew I was pretty good at this, at least I’d been told by several hook-ups that I was, but that hadn’t stopped me from googling techniques after Elliot fell asleep last night.  I took him in deeper and hummed around him.  He twitched on my tongue and let out a low moan as his hand tightened in my hair just enough for the feeling to radiate through me.  Just his reactions alone were enough to get me more than a little turned on, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t making this all about him.  He deserved it after yesterday.

              “Oh, JD,” Perry breathed and I swore in that moment that I’d never heard a better sound in my life.  The way he said my name with such reverence was something I never thought I’d hear from him.  To spur him on, I quickened my pace, my hand still wrapped around him at the base as my mouth worked at the head. 

              Soon, his hips were moving forward and back, just small movements, but I could tell by his breathing that he was getting close.  His quiet moans became more frequent and I wondered what it’d be like to really be alone with him, if he’d be louder than this, more vocal.  I found myself hoping that was the case because those deep moans did a lot more to turn me on than I had thought possible.  I stroked him faster, humming around him, the sound coming from deep in my chest.

              “JD,” he choked out, his eyes flashing open to look down at me.  His warning was clear to me, but I had no intentions of stopping.  He seemed to realize and with a low groan, he came, his cock twitching and spasming in my mouth.  I swallowed repeatedly, keeping my eyes locked firmly on his.  It wasn’t until I was certain he’d finished that I pulled off, wiping my mouth off on the back of my hand.  Before I could really even sit back, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up and kissed me hard, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing me to him.

              I took the kiss as a very emphatic thank-you, which I was all too happy to return.  When he pulled away for breath and to pull his pants back up, a grin spread onto my face.  “I take it you enjoyed yourself, then,” I said smugly.

              “It was well worth the wait,” Perry agreed, kissing me again.

              Just then, we heard the door handle begin to turn and quickly we reached for the nearest medical supply, which turned out to be a trach kit for Perry and a speculum for me.  An orderly raised his eyebrows at us and slowly reached for whatever he’d come in for.

              “Just stocking up,” I said cheerfully, waving the speculum at him.

              “Right,” he said, his eyes widening as he shook his head and promptly closed the door.

              I looked up at Perry, who was shaking his head and chuckling.  “You’re ridiculous,” he commented, tossing the trach kit back in the box. 

              “Yeah, but you seem to like it, so it’s okay with me,” I said with a shrug.  He kissed the top of my head before leading me out of the supply closet.  I couldn’t get rid of the grin on my face to save my life.

 

* * *

 

 

              “Quiet,” Perry hissed, his tongue darting out against my earlobe.  His hand was in my pants, his fingers rubbing in circles with a determined speed that made it nearly impossible to be _quiet_.

              “Easy for you to say,” I gasped, burying my face in his neck as I stroked him with the same speed.  We were pressed up against each other in a bathroom stall, our bodies rocking together though we couldn’t seem to get enough.

              He grunted, his free hand sliding up my shirt and running over my side, making me shudder.  I sucked at his neck again, enjoying the way he allowed me to mark him up, to make him mine, even if we were the only two who knew.  This was the third time this week we’d been together, spread out over four days due to our hectic schedules and frequent interruptions.  We’d both been so desperate that he’d yanked me in here at the first sign of freedom and had promptly shoved his hand in my pants.  I hadn’t wanted us to get interrupted before he could finish again, so I reciprocated immediately, and here we were, both of us gasping and wanting more and more and _more._

              We heard the bathroom door open, the sounds in the hallway louder until it closed.  Neither of us stopped our movements, though he kissed me to prevent any sounds from escaping either of our mouths.  I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss at the thrill of it all.  It was exciting, the two of us together, forbidden and hiding. 

              “Enid, what have I told you about making eye contact with Baxter?” came Kelso’s voice from the other end of the bathroom. 

              Perry smirked and I giggled almost silently against his lips. 

              “You knew the risk you were taking when you ventured into _his_ side of the house,” Kelso continued, completely oblivious.

              Perry suddenly gripped my side and bit down on my lower lip.  It was all I could do to stay silent as his entire body tensed up.  I stroked him faster, wordlessly urging him on.  I wasn’t far behind him, and with the way he was still moving his hand over me, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to be quiet.

              We heard footsteps and then the sound of a faucet being turned on.  I let go then, coming hard, and dared to let out the softest of moans into Perry’s mouth.  I felt him following right behind me, thrusting into my hand several more times as he rode it out.  We slumped against each other, trying to catch our breaths as quietly as possible as we heard Kelso’s footsteps retreat, the door open and close, and finally silence.  I laughed then, a hand curling behind Perry’s neck to pull him in for a rather sloppy kiss.  He seemed to have no complaints as he kissed me back, our hands still in each other’s pants.

              “What do you say?” he asked, smiling back at me when we pulled apart.  “Back to work?”

              “If we have to,” I agreed, watching the way his eyes seemed to dance with his genuine happiness.  It was a look I had gotten used to seeing on his face and one that I doubted I’d ever be able to get out my head.


	3. I Won't Bore You with the Details, Baby

              The days passed in a flurry of stolen kisses and hastened meetings in on-call rooms and supply closets and I was never happier than when I was with Perry.  The feeling of his arms around me and his lips on my neck was all I needed to get through the day, and the knowledge that he was thinking about me when we weren’t at the hospital spread a warmth through me that made all the hiding worth it.  Elliot was completely clueless, though she seemed to notice a growing distance between us.  I supposed that was for the best – maybe we could just drift apart and she would never have to know what I’d done to her.  I secretly hoped she would get sick of it and dump me, but instead she seemed to become even more clingy, especially at work, making it difficult for Perry and me to find any time to be together. 

              The only thing that could push either of them out of my mind was Turk and Carla’s impending return from their honeymoon.  Turk hadn’t known the exact time they’d be back, but I knew it could be any minute.  I had missed him, though not as much as I had expected, given the plentiful distractions I had over the past week.  I was in the middle of looking over a chart when I heard the tell-tale car horn: _shave and a haircut, two bits!_

              Several minutes and all five floors of the hospital later, I was finally in Turk’s arms, with Carla standing between us looking a little miffed that her husband seemed to love me more than her.  Who could blame him, really?  After we’d said our greetings and I asked about the honeymoon, I noticed Perry standing off to the side at the other end of the nurses’ station and I couldn’t help but watch him for a moment, no longer really listening to Carla talk about their hotel.  When I looked back at Turk, I realized he’d noticed and there was a look of disapproval on his face.  I put more effort into paying attention to Carla’s story then, doing my best to ignore Perry, which was easier said than done.  I knew Turk was upset with me, and I understood why, but I also knew that he hated Perry on principle.  I would have to try and talk to him about it as soon as I found time.

              I was on my best behavior for the rest of the day, careful to be more attentive to Elliot than I had been all week.  Turk was careful to keep an eye on me when he had a free moment, but I noticed Carla watching me, too.  He must have told her what he saw at their wedding reception, then.  I wasn’t too worried about either of them telling Elliot.  Besides, it wasn’t really any of their business.  However, when Carla wasn’t watching me, her eyes were trained on Perry, which disconcerted me.  Did he know that Carla knew about us, or that we’d kissed?  Neither of them knew the full extent of what we’d been doing over the last week, and even though I wanted to come clean to Turk, I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the Perry _I_ knew with anyone else.  I shrugged off the idea – no one was likely to believe me even if I did tell them what he was really like.

              That night, once all our shifts had ended and we’d gone home, Carla announced she was going over to Elliot’s to spend some time with her.  I wondered if they had planned this, but it would be easier talking just to Turk instead of both of them.  Carla hadn’t been out of the apartment for more than two minutes when Turk piped up, the two of us sitting on opposite ends of the couch.

              “So, did you break up with her yet?” he asked, still looking straight ahead at the TV.

              “What?” I asked, feigning confusion.  “Why would I?”

              “Come on, JD,” Turk said, shaking his head, “don’t pull that shit with me.  I know there’s something going on between you and Cox.”

              I sighed, giving up my act.  I had known Turk would see right through it, but it was easier to pretend than to actually own up to what I was doing to Elliot.  “Look, Turk, it’s more complicated than that,” I said lamely.

              Turk crossed his arms and looked over at me.  “It seems pretty simple to me,” he said seriously, arching an eyebrow at me.  “You’re cheating on Elliot with _him,_ of _all_ people.”

              “I don’t love her,” I said sadly.  “And I don’t want to hurt her.  I mean, I already made her break up with Sean – she changed her _life_ for me, Turk.  I can’t just tell her I don’t want her anymore after all that.  It would break her heart.”

              “You know what else will break her heart when she finds out?” Turk asked rhetorically.  We both knew the answer, but actually saying it out loud made me feel even guiltier. 

              “I just like being with him,” I said quietly, staring at my lap.  “Everything I don’t have with Elliot is what I have with him.  He’s passionate and intense and – and _very_ talented… I mean, the sex is incredible and we haven’t even actually _done_ it yet.”

              Turk looked almost disgusted.  “JD, what are you doing?” he asked, his disappointment in me evident in his voice.  “This isn’t who you are.  You’re supposed to be better than this.”

              I shrank in on myself under his gaze.  “I know this is wrong, I swear I do,” I insisted.  “I’ve been meaning to end things with her, but I just can’t find the right time.”

              “You have to tell her,” Turk said firmly.  “The longer you drag this out, the more you’re going to hurt her.  If what you’re saying is true and you actually care about her, you’d just be honest with her.  I think maybe you’re just scared that Cox won’t want you anymore when it stops being exciting.”

              My eyes flashed up to Turk’s face, hurt by his assumption.  “I’m going to Elliot’s,” I muttered, standing and heading toward the door.  Before Turk could say anything more, I grabbed my keys and slammed the door behind me.

 

* * *

 

             

              I had no intentions of getting off my couch that evening, but a knock on my door told me I had other plans.  I grumbled to myself as I padded over to the door about interruptions and not being able to have a damn night to myself, but as soon as I opened it, something thin with gelled hair threw itself at me, kissing me desperately. 

              Instinctively, I kicked the door shut behind JD and moved my hands to his waist once I locked it.  “Hello to you, too,” I said breathlessly, seeing as he’d knocked the wind out of me.

              “I want you,” he said, looking up at me with the pure need I’d become accustomed to seeing over the past week.  Something about it was different now, though I couldn’t place what it was.

              I hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out what had changed, but whatever it was in his expression told me that I was better off not to pry, at least not now.  Instead, I did what I knew how to do best: make him moan.  I backed him up against the wall in my living room and latched onto his neck, biting and sucking at his skin.  I was rewarded with a low moan and he reached forward to begin pulling up my shirt, his hands eagerly running over my chest as it was revealed to him.  I helped him get it over my head, my mouth leaving his neck.  I watched his eyes move over my body and couldn’t help but smirk at the expression of wonder on his face.  It never got old.

              “You want to move this to the bedroom?” I asked, waiting for whatever he had planned next.

              He shook his head and started unbuttoning my jeans.  “Right here,” he said, his voice shockingly firm and confident.  “Against the wall.”

              I raised my eyebrows.  “Impressive,” I commented, tilting my head at him. 

              His expression suddenly turned hungry as he shoved down my pants, leaving me only in my boxers and him fully dressed.  “I’m full of surprises, Perry,” he told me, his voice dropping as he ran a single finger down the center of my chest. 

              From then on, it was an all-out sprint to get him undressed.  Both of our hands grabbed at clothing and tossed it aside.  I even managed to tear at the collar of his t-shirt in my haste, which he seemed none too upset about.  Once we were both naked, I pushed him against the wall once again and he threaded his fingers into my hair, pulling a little harder than normal.  I could tell he was in a rough mood.  If rough was what he wanted, that was sure as hell what he was going to get.  I hooked a hand under his thigh, starting to lift him, but, he broke our kiss, panting.

              “Condom,” he said firmly.  “Just in case.”

              I nodded.  “Right, condom,” I muttered, dropping down to search for my jeans in the mess.  I emerged a few moments later with a condom that I’d kept in my back pocket for just such occasions. 

              JD, continually surprising me, grabbed the condom and tore it open, his eyes on mine the entire time.  He reached down and took my cock in his hand.  I placed a hand on the wall just beside his head, bracing myself; I didn’t trust him not to do a little teasing.  He stroked me slowly, leaning in to bite down on my lower lip and pulling.  I groaned, though I let him do what he wanted.  It wasn’t as if I wasn’t already rock hard.

              Finally, he rolled the condom on me, still taking his time in doing so.  “Okay,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around my neck.  “Fuck me.”

              “Gladly,” I breathed, lifting him until he could wrap his legs around my waist.  I kept his back up against the wall, which helped me support him even though he wasn’t very heavy.  With one arm securely around his waist, I guided myself into him, sinking in inch by inch until I filled him completely.  His resulting moan was the single most gorgeous sound I’d ever heard come out of his mouth.  I couldn’t stay silent myself, especially now that we were in the privacy of my own apartment.

              “Fucking perfect,” I whispered, letting my eyes close as I felt him adjust, tightening around me.  The sensation was almost overwhelming at first and I let out a soft moan against JD’s neck. 

              “Yeah, it is,” he said weakly, holding me even tighter.

              He relaxed finally, and I took that as my cue to start moving.  I rolled my hips as I held him close, still pressed up against the wall, pulling almost completely out of him before thrusting back in with a quick snap of my hips.  He cried out and let his head fall back against the wall, his fingers digging into my shoulders.  “Again,” he whimpered, and I took the opportunity to suck at the other side of his neck.  I didn’t care about being careful anymore and decided that he was completely and totally _mine._ I bit down and sucked hard, making sure I left a mark, as I repeated the motion with my hips.

              “Been waiting for this,” he gasped, “for so long.  Don’t – fucking – stop.”

              “Why in the hell would I stop?” I muttered, gradually increasing my pace until I was slamming back into him with a force even I couldn’t control.  He felt too goddamn good, so fucking tight. 

              Soon, all JD could seem to formulate was my name and he whispered it over and over again, like a mantra.  I had never been more turned on in my life and knew I wouldn’t last much longer.  “ _Fuck_ , JD,” I groaned, my grip on his waist bruising. 

              Just then, JD’s mouth dropped open and he clamped down around me and I nearly dropped him, the sensation taking over until I could compose myself.  He moaned loudly, desperately, as he came, and I could hardly believe it – I hadn’t even _touched_ him.  I redoubled my efforts, thrusting into him harder and faster than before.  I was certain he’d feel it tomorrow, but that knowledge only spurred me on, knowing that every step he took, he’d think of me.  I pressed him up against the wall even more while still holding onto him with one arm and slid the other between us to rub at him, determined to make him come again.

              “Perry,” he moaned, rocking back against me as much as he could.  This time, I was ready for it, and I could feel him begin to spasm around me once again as he reached the edge.  I thanked _whoever_ that he was able to have multiple orgasms and knew that I could spend _plenty_ of time with my head buried between his legs just to hear those moans. 

              He cried out as he came for a second time and this time, I joined him, letting go completely.  I moaned his name, retaining enough focus to keep us both upright as we both rode our waves of pleasure.  When JD finished, he slumped forward onto my shoulder, clinging to me and gasping for breath.  I wasn’t sure I trusted my legs to work just yet, but I forced myself to step away from the wall.  I carried him to my bedroom and lowered him gently onto the bed before I tossed the condom in the trash next to my nightstand.  He was still catching his breath when I slid into bed beside him, pulling him back to my chest.  We’d never gotten an afterglow before, not like this, and I found I liked it far more than I anticipated. 

              He closed his eyes as I pulled the covers over us.  I hoped he’d stay the night and as I rubbed his back, I found myself feeling a fondness for him I hadn’t expected.  Since I’d started this whole… whatever it was, I had liked him, but it was quickly becoming far more than just sex for me.  I suspected he felt the same.

              We laid there silently in the darkness of my room for so long that I just started drifting off – and assumed he already had – when he spoke. 

              “I have to end things with Elliot,” he whispered.  Neither of us moved, his head still on my chest and my arm still draped over him.

              I wasn’t sure what to say since I was just as guilty in this as he was.  After all, I was the one who had instigated it, knowing full well he was in a relationship, though he hadn’t seemed particularly happy about it.

              JD sat up then, turning his head to look at me.  “That _is_ what you want, right?” he asked, and I detected a hint of nervousness in his voice.  “You want to be with me, not just sneak around at work and fuck whenever we can?”

              I was surprised that he’d leapt to the conclusion that my silence meant I didn’t want him to end things with Barbie.  Of _course_ I did.  Of _course_ I wanted him.  I wouldn’t have stuck around even this long if I didn’t.  I supposed I hadn’t actually told him that, though, and we hadn’t done much talking at all.  About anything.  I decided to give him my answer in the best way I knew how.  I reached forward and took his face in my hands as delicately as I possibly could and kissed him.  It was by and large the gentlest, most tender kiss we’d shared so far and I hope he would understand what that meant.  Judging by the soft smile on his lips when I pulled away, he did.

              He slid back down onto my chest and relaxed, falling asleep quickly.  I watched him for a little while, and brushed a few stray hairs off his forehead.  The kid was making me soft.  I found I didn’t mind the in slightest.  I laid back against my pillows and closed my eyes, falling asleep easily with JD’s comfortable weight on top of me.


	4. Gotta Get There in Your Own Sweet Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's where the metaphorical shit hits the fan. I love this chapter.

              When I woke up, Perry’s arm had fallen from around me and he was still sleeping soundly.  I couldn’t help but smile when I saw how peaceful he looked, but I knew I had to do what I should have done over a week ago.  Carefully, I slid out of bed, taking care to be as quiet as I possibly could so I didn’t wake Perry.  We were both off today, and I knew that he tended to overwork himself.  I wanted to kiss him for hours, but he deserved some rest for once.

              I made my way out into the living room and started rifling through the clothes we’d left scattered on the floor.  When I bent down to pull on my pants, I realized just how sore I was.  I couldn’t help but smile as I remember the absolutely fantastic sex we’d had the night before and knew I would feel it for a while. 

              Once I was fully dressed, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw that I had quite a few messages and missed calls, all of them from Elliot.  I sighed as I read through the texts.  “I thought you were coming over?”  “Where are you?”  “What’s going on with you, JD?  You’ve been weird lately?”  I didn’t bother listening to the voicemails, knowing they would just be of her getting increasingly more frantic and high-pitched.  I felt a rush of guilt and knew that I had to end this.  She deserved so much better than me and if that was Sean, so be it.  At least I knew he loved her.

              As a final thought, I grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled a note to Perry and left it on his coffee table, thanking him for last night and telling him where I was going.  With that, I left his apartment and headed for Elliot’s, dreading what was to come.  I _had_ intended on going to Elliot’s last night, but halfway there, I changed my mind.  I had known it was a bad choice, but after I’d gotten to Perry’s, it didn’t _seem_ like one.

              When I got to Elliot’s apartment, I took a deep breath before knocking on her front door.  This was likely to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I had brought it on myself.  Whatever happened, I deserved it.  Elliot opened the door after a few brief moments during which I wondered if she was even home with a look of relief on her face.

              “Get in here,” she said hurriedly.  “Is everything okay, JD?  You didn’t answer my calls.”

              “Elliot, we need to talk,” I said, gesturing for her to sit down on the couch.  She did, and I sat down next to her, though I was careful to keep some space between us.

              She looked back at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak.

              “I’m sorry,” I started.  “I fell asleep at home and –”

              “Carla told me that Turk said that you were coming over,” Elliot said, her eyes narrowing.  “Why are you lying to me?”

              I didn’t know the answer that question.  I guessed it was because I wanted to spare her any hurt possible, but I realized I had to do this right and that meant being honest.  “I… Okay, you’re not going to like what I have to tell you, but I need to be honest with you,” I said cautiously.

              “Then tell me,” Elliot urged.  “Stop being so cryptic.”

              “Elliot, I – I do love you,” I said genuinely, “but it’s not in the way you deserve.  I love you because you’re one of my best friends and I like spending time with you, but I don’t love you like I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I should have told you when I first realized it, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you.  That’s not an excuse, I know, but I care about you.”

              Elliot stared at me, and I was grateful to see that she didn’t seem to be on the verge of tears.

              “And – and there’s someone else.  I’m in love with someone else.”  I mentally kicked myself.  Why did I have to say that?  I didn’t even know if I was in _love_ with Perry, though I could definitely see myself getting there eventually.  But Elliot didn’t need to know that.  “I’m so sorry, Elliot.  Really, I am, and if there’s anything I can do to make this up to you, to make it right, please tell me.  I don’t want to lose your friendship.”

              Elliot looked away from me and shook her head.  “I need time, JD,” she said quietly, and I could tell how hurt she was.  “You can’t just magically fix this.”

              “I can give you time,” I said quickly.  “All the time you need.  I just need to know we’re going to be okay.”

              Elliot didn’t respond right away, which made me nervous.  We _had_ to be okay, at least at some point in the future.  “Who is it?” she asked suddenly, looking back up at me.

              “Who – Elliot, please.  You don’t want to know,” I said, putting my hands up.  “Trust me, you really don’t.”

              “Just tell me!” Elliot said, her voice becoming high-pitched in an instant. 

              “It’s Perry,” I blurted out, my eyes going wide when my voice betrayed me.

              Elliot became deadly silent then, staring a hole straight through me.  “You… you and him,” she said slowly after a very uncomfortable pause.  “You’ve been together a lot this past week…”

              My stomach flipped nervously.  She was putting the pieces together.

              “You were cheating on me,” Elliot said under her breath, her eyes flashing dangerously.  “You were cheating on me and you weren’t even going to _tell_ me?”

              “Elliot, I didn’t want to hurt you!” I said, desperate to make her understand.  Suddenly, her eyes weren’t on mine anymore, but I quickly realized where they were.  The hickey Perry had left on my neck.  It wasn’t low enough for my t-shirt to cover and I had caught a glimpse of it in my rearview mirror on the way over, though I’d forgotten as I thought about what I was going to say to Elliot. 

              Elliot let out an incredulous laugh.  “You didn’t want to _hurt_ me?” she asked, furious.  “JD, you just broke up with me – out of nowhere – after completely ruining my relationship with Sean!”

              “I’m so sorry,” I said, imploring Elliot to just hear me out.

              “Get the hell out of my apartment,” Elliot said, her voice suddenly flat.  “Seriously, leave.  I don’t want to see you.”

              “Elliot, please,” I said sadly.

              “Leave, JD,” she said again and regretfully, I stood, making my way toward the door. 

              “I should have been honest with you from the start, I know that,” I said, my hand on the doorknob.  “I’m really sorry I wasn’t.”

              As I walked out to the parking lot, I briefly considered going to see Turk, but he’d probably just say “I told you so” and make me feel guiltier.  Besides, the only place I really wanted to be was with Perry.  I desperately wished there was some way I could make things right with Elliot, but the damage had been done.  I didn’t think she was stupid, not by any stretch of the imagination, and I knew she would have figured out I was cheating on her eventually, but I couldn’t help but wish that she hadn’t seen the hickey.  When I got to my car, I looked at the mark in my mirror again, running my fingers lightly over it.  Despite the trouble it had caused, I loved the idea that Perry wanted to make me his.  Not that he needed to – I was already his, totally.

 

* * *

             

              I hadn’t been out of bed for long, but I’d pulled on my sweats, cleaned up the mess of my clothes from the night before, and read JD’s note.  “Thanks for last night, Perry. Heading to Elliot’s.”  He’d even signed his name with a heart next to it, which struck me as a very JD thing to do.  Truthfully, I’d been a little disappointed that I hadn’t woken up next to him, but when I heard a knock on my front door, I knew it was him.  I hadn’t expected him back so soon – maybe things went better with Elliot than I’d anticipated.

              I opened the door and JD walked right into my arms, burying his face against my neck.  It was a slower version of last night, without the pent-up frustration and need between us.  Maybe things _hadn’t_ gone well with Elliot.  I closed the door and wrapped my arms around him, swaying just slightly, rocking him back and forth.  We stayed that way for quite some time and for my part, it was a little strange.  We’d been so physical with each other right from the start, but it was never like this.  There was something more… delicate about this.  I didn’t mind, though, as much as I enjoyed the intensity and roughness of how things had been before.  That alone told me that our relationship was much more than just sex.

              “Come on,” I finally murmured, pulling back far enough to lift his chin.  “Why don’t we sit down, talk a little?”

              He nodded, looking up at me with those big, blue eyes that I loved so much.  I led him over to the couch, sitting down right next to him with my arm around his shoulders.  “You want to talk about it?” I asked.

              “Not particularly,” he answered, and if it had gone as badly as I assumed, I didn’t blame him.  “But we can talk about other stuff, I guess.”

              “You have something in mind?” I asked, watching him as I ran my fingers lightly over his arm.

              JD shrugged.  “I don’t really know much about you before you were Dr. Cox,” he said.  I could tell he was a little hesitant in asking, knowing how private a person I was.

              I nodded thoughtfully.  “I suppose there’s not much to tell.  I grew up in Pittsburgh, have a sister whom I rarely talk to, and I’ve lived here since I was old enough to get the hell out of my parents’ house.”

              “Was it scary?” JD asked, relaxing some against the couch.  “Coming here all on your own?”

              “No, not really,” I said honestly.  “I was so ready to leave home that I don’t think anything would have stopped me coming out here.  I always knew I wanted to be a doctor and I knew that I would have the best opportunities here.  It was a no-brainer for me.”

              “I was terrified,” JD admitted with a small, sheepish laugh.  “Ohio is a lot different from here.”

              “And look at you,” I pointed out.  “I think you did just fine, kid.”

              “Yeah, now, I guess,” JD allowed.  “When I first came out here, not so much.  I was a lot different back then.”

              It took me a moment to realize what he was alluding to.  We hadn’t discussed his transition or even the fact that he was trans after he initially told me.  We’d been too busy jumping in to bed, but I supposed that this was a conversation we should have as long as he was comfortable with it.

              “Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, looking back at him.

              “I guess I always knew something was _off_ , but for a long time, I didn’t know what it was.  At first I thought I was just attracted to women, and I dated a lot of girls in high school, but it still didn’t feel right,” JD told me.  I could tell he was lost in his own head now, and not exactly talking _to_ me.  I stayed quiet, letting him continue.  “I was a senior before I started doing research and my parents decided to send me to a therapist.  He’s the one who ended up helping me figure out that it wasn’t a matter of _who_ I was attracted to but how I felt about myself.

              “I went on hormones halfway through senior year.  By graduation, my voice had gotten lower and I was pretty much the most awkward person in the school.  They called me by my birth name when I walked across the stage.  That… that was really hard.  The only person who was always behind me one hundred percent was Dan, my brother.  When I told him and my parents, I was immediately ‘little brother’ in his eyes.  I’ve never actually told him how much that helped me, but I think he knew.  My mom had more trouble with it, I think, but I knew she and my dad were trying.  They kept calling me ‘she’ by accident and I caught my mom on the phone with relatives more than once using my birth name.

              “When I got accepted to college out here, I was determined that things would be different.  By the time I started, I’d chopped my hair off, started binding my chest, and bought a lot of baggy clothes.  The school was really good about changing my name, which I’d done legally back home as soon as I possibly could.  I was excited, but kind of freaked out, too, because I’d never left home before.  Turk helped a lot with that.  I don’t think I could have gotten a better roommate.  I didn’t even tell him right away.  He found out when he had to haul my drunk ass home one night after a party.  I’d spilled beer all over my shirt and he was trying to get it off me so I didn’t go to sleep in it and he saw my binder.  I don’t think he really knew what it was at the time because he asked me about it the next day and I decided to tell him everything. 

              “At first, he was… confused, I think.  He said some dumb things, out of ignorance, not because he didn’t accept me.  There was a learning curve, but he really tried.  I actually found out that he’d been researching at the library, though I never told him.  That summer, after our first year in college, was when I had my top surgery.  He stayed with me the whole time and took care of me while I recovered.  By then, he was a lot more considerate and knew what not to say.  I made the conscious choice not to tell anyone I was trans, but during our sophomore year, this group of guys found out and they kind of roughed me up after class one day.  It wasn’t anything major, but when I came home with a nosebleed and a couple bruises, I had to literally _beg_ Turk not to do anything about it.  If I would have let him, he probably would have kicked their asses.  He’s always been like that, protective of me.

              “He, Carla, and Elliot are the only ones who know.  And you, of course.  I’m not, like, ashamed or anything, not at all, but I don’t want the extra attention that comes with it.  I want people to like me because I’m me or hate me because I’m me, not because of who I used to be or what’s in my pants.  I guess I’m just protecting myself that way.  That’s why I didn’t tell you, even when I told you to stop calling me girls’ names.  If you hadn’t stopped… I might have told you, but I don’t know if we’d be here right now if you hadn’t stopped.  I mean, there was no way you could have known, so there’s no hard feelings now, but I wouldn’t have been able to put up with any more of that.”

              “JD, if I’d had any _clue_ why you asked me to stop, you have to know that I would have apologized to you over and over,” I said, speaking for the first time in minutes.  “I completely understand why you didn’t tell me, though.  And, Newbie, I’m so damn proud of you.  I don’t think you realize how strong you are.”  I gave him a soft smile, which he returned immediately. 

              “I’m pretty strong,” he agreed, his smile turning goofy.  “Not as strong as you, though.”

              I chuckled and kissed his cheek.  “Well, needless to say, I’m glad you’re here now, even with everything you had to go through to get here.  Very, very glad.”

              He leaned into me, his head resting on my shoulder.  “I’m glad, too,” he said softly.  “Hey, Perry?”

              “Yeah?”

              “Can we eat? I’m starving.”

 

* * *

 

              One and a half large delivery pizzas later, I was lying on my back on Perry’s couch with my head on his lap as he ran his fingers through my hair.  I closed my eyes, completely relaxed.  Over the last several hours, I’d felt myself falling hard and fast for Perry.  He’d told me a little more about what it was like when he first started at Sacred Heart, which revealed a whole new side to him that I’d never even thought about.  Perry as a student must have been incredible.  I was sure he had the same determination I saw in him now, but perhaps with a bit more optimism.  The more I found out about him, the more I wanted to know, but I could tell his childhood wasn’t something he was comfortable with discussing.  I didn’t mind.  If he ever decided to tell me, I’d listen, but until then, I wouldn’t push.

              “How come you kissed me at the wedding?” I asked, my eyes still closed.

              He didn’t even stop brushing his fingers through my hair when he answered.  “You looked stunning,” he said simply.  “I decided then and there that I wanted you, though it had been a long time coming.”

              “Really?” I asked, surprised.

              “Really.  I might have been a little jealous, too,” he said and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

              “Jealous?” I asked incredulously, opening my eyes in surprise.  “What could _you_ possibly be jealous of?”

              “You were dancing with Barbie all night,” he said with a shrug.  “From the moment you two got back together, I was jealous.  Should have been you and me dancing that night.”

              “Aw, Perry,” I said teasingly, grinning up at him.  “You wanted to _dance_ with me?”

              He rolled his eyes, but smiled.  “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.  You were just so gorgeous in that suit, laughing the whole night.  You had no right looking like that.”

              I blushed.  “We could dance now if you wanted,” I suggested, keeping my tone light and joking in case he turned me down.

              He looked down at me, seeming to consider my suggestion.  “All right,” he finally said, pulling me up off the couch. 

              I was actually surprised that he’d agreed, but not the least bit disappointed.  He stood, leading me over to the center of the living room before wrapping his arms around my waist.  He kept his eyes on mine as I circled my arms around his neck.  I could hardly believe this was happening.  “There’s no music,” I whispered as he held me close, swaying us back and forth.

              “Don’t need any,” he murmured, rubbing my back. 

              I smiled softly and kissed him, pulling him as close as I possibly could.  “This might be the best date I’ve ever been on,” I told him, loving the way he looked back at me, clearly hooked on everything I said.

              “I think I’d have to say the same,” he said fondly.  “Has more to do with the person than the setting, though.”

              I smiled and rested my head on Perry’s shoulder, reveling in the feeling of his arms around me.  I could get used to this.  Never would I have guessed that Perry would be so romantic, so sweet, but it was the most pleasant of surprises.  I just hoped that everyone else would be able to see that side of him and realize that I wasn’t crazy for being with him. 

              I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, letting the minutes pass by as we swayed to the silence, a rhythm only we could sense.  “I should go home at some point,” I whispered, making it a point not to move from my current position.  “Let everyone know I’m still alive.”

              “Stay the night,” Perry breathed, kissing my neck.  “Just stay.”

              “Okay,” I said without a second thought.  “I’ll stay.”


	5. Baby, I Ain't Mr. Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry fucks up a little too much.

              We had fallen asleep easily last night, with JD tucked against my chest.  There was something about him that made me want to keep him safe, to protect him.  I supposed there were worse habits to have.  When I woke up, both of us in much the same position, his back against my chest and one of my arms draped over his waist, I glanced at my alarm clock and noted that we only had a fifteen minutes before we needed to get up and get ready for work.  I _could_ have let him sleep, but where was the fun in that?

              I pressed several soft kisses to his bare shoulder before starting to make my way to his neck.  I took my time, wanting to wake him gently and slowly rather than suddenly.  Soon enough, I felt him shifting, though he didn’t seem to wake just yet.  I continued kissing at his neck and I ran my hand over his side.  Finally, he seemed to stir.  Sure enough, he turned over in my arms and looked at me with tired eyes, though there was a faint smile on his face.

              “Morning,” he murmured, his voice rough from sleep.  He was beautiful.

              “Morning,” I echoed, running a hand through his hair.  “How’d you sleep?”

              “Never better,” he replied through a yawn.  I wondered if he had to try to be this endearing or if I was that head over heels.

              “Glad to hear it,” I said, smiling back at him.  I leaned in to kiss his lips, my movements almost lazy.

              He hummed into the kiss, which I took to mean he approved.  We stayed that way, kissing and letting our hands roam over each other’s chests and into our hair, until my alarm rang.  I turned it off, regretfully breaking our kiss.  “We should get ready,” I breathed.

              He nodded, though he didn’t seem to want to move.  Finally, he stretched and looked back at me.  “Do you have any cereal?”

             

              After I got him set up in the kitchen – he had pouted for a moment or two upon finding out I didn’t keep Lucky Charms in stock – I headed for the bathroom to take a quick shower and change into my work clothes.  I’d offered him some spare clothes, but we both realized they’d be too big on him.  He had extra scrubs at work, so he told me he’d just change there.  I couldn’t keep my mind off him as I washed and I found unable to wipe the smile off my face.  It had been a long time since I’d been genuinely happy.  So long, in fact, that I’d almost forgotten what it felt like.  It was a welcome change.

              By the time I stepped out of the shower and got dressed, JD had finished eating.  I kissed him quickly as we passed each other – he headed for the bathroom and I made my way toward the kitchen.  It struck me just then how domestic, but also how natural, all this felt.  We were getting ready for work together like we’d been together for years when it had really only been just over a week.  I didn’t mind in the slightest.

              I scraped together a hurried breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast while I scrolled through the daily news on my phone.  JD joined me at the table, but said nothing.  Instead, he watched me eat and read, which made it rather difficult to do the latter.  I gave up and quickly finished my food, throwing the plate in the sink for washing later. 

              “You good to go?” I asked as he followed me toward the door, pulling on his sweatshirt.

              “As ready as I’ll ever be considering I had to make do without any of my hair products,” JD said, sighing as he ran his fingers through his freshly washed hair.

              I chuckled and pulled him in for a kiss, threading my fingers into his hair instead.  It was much softer than I was used to.  “I like it,” I said warmly when I pulled away. 

              He was looking back at me, his eyes lit up and a goofy smile on his face.  His expression was odd – it was like I was the only person he ever wanted to see.  It was intense, but in a good way.  I could get used to that.

              We rode to the hospital in my car, a comfortable silence settling over us.  I would have expected him to be chattering non-stop, but it occurred to me he might be nervous about what faced us at work.  Silently, I took his hand in mine and ran my thumb over it.  He smiled at me, just slightly forced, but he did seem to relax.  Something told me today would be difficult, but I decided to keep a close eye on him and make sure no one gave him a hard time.  I’d protect him to the best of my ability.  I didn’t presume that anyone would say anything to _me,_ given that most of the hospital staff couldn’t even meet my gaze, but on the off chance that they did, I was more than prepared to shut it down.

              When I parked in my usual spot, JD seemed reluctant to let go of my hand.  “I know we didn’t really talk about it, but maybe we shouldn’t be too _obvious_ , at least for a little while,” he said, looking pointedly at the dashboard.

              “JD, I’ll do whatever makes this easier on you,” I said seriously.  “If that means not holding your hand or kissing you in public, I’ll deal with that.  You just tell me what you need, all right?”

              JD looked up at me and squeezed my hand before he let it go.  “I guess we’ll see what happens when we get inside,” he remarked, sighing heavily as he eyed up the hospital.  “Do we have to?”

              “I’m afraid so,” I said, letting go of his hand and sliding out of the car.  I waited for him around the back and he was quick to join me.  “You just tell me if anyone gives you a hard time.  I’ll take care of it.”

              “Will do,” JD agreed.  “Be nice to Elliot, please.  For me.”

              “I’ll do my best,” I assured JD, patting the small of his back before I started toward the entrance. 

              I had to leave him at the locker room so he could change into his scrubs, but not before I kissed his cheek.  It was a quick, barely-there peck, but it put a more genuine smile on his face, for which I was grateful.  I was concerned the worry line that had formed between his eyebrows would be permanent.  I headed off toward the nurses’ station to pick up my first patient’s chart.  I was unprepared for the hush that fell over the entire ICU when I entered, but I flawlessly pretended not to notice.  I was damned if I was going to give all those gossips the satisfaction.  I could only imagine what it’d be like for JD, though.

              I didn’t see him again until I’d finished checking in on my third patient, who was progressing brilliantly.  He looked like he was trying to blend in with the walls and I frowned as I watched him.  Two nurses passed me just then, whispering to each other and clearly not realizing I was beside them. 

              “Did you hear? Dr. Dorian cheated on Dr. Reid with _Dr. Cox_. _”_

“Poor Dr. Reid,” the other lamented.  “She must be heartbroken.  I always wondered about Dr. Dorian, though.  He seemed a little girly, you know?”

              “All right!” I bellowed, garnering the attention of everyone in the vicinity, JD included.  “I’ve heard enough gossiping to last a lifetime.  If I hear _one more_ comment about myself, Dr. Dorian, or Dr. Reid that isn’t strictly related to a patient’s care, I will make your life a _living hell_!”

              The nurses shuffled away while some of the orderlies just stared at me.  JD shot me a grateful look, but before I could even make my way over to him, his pager went off and he hurried off in the opposite direction.  I sighed and went back to my rounds.  I hadn’t seen Barbie all day, though I was fairly certain she was scheduled to work.  Her absence was nothing compared to the glares I was receiving from none other than Carla.  At first, I ignored them, figuring she’d get tired of it and cave, but they only grew in intensity until I was left frustrated and very exhausted.

              “Why don’t you just say whatever it is that you’re clearing _dying_ to?” I sighed, crossing my arms as I stared her down.

              “What’s wrong with you?” Carla asked, her eyes narrowing at me.  I had to give her credit – no matter what I did, she was never afraid to stand up to me.  That was the reason I respected her, hell, the reason I _liked_ her.

              “Would you like me to chronicle my childhood or – ?”

              She cut me off quickly and I swore I saw fire flash in her eyes.  “Shut up,” she muttered.  “You know exactly what I’m talking about.  Elliot’s heartbroken and all because you decided to take what you shouldn’t have.  You and JD should have known better.”

              “Why don’t you go ahead and give me a call when you hop down from that pedestal of yours?” I shot back, avoiding the subject.  I didn’t have to explain myself to her.  The only person whose opinion I cared about was JD’s, plain and simple.

              “Make all the jokes you want,” Carla said, shaking her head disapprovingly, “but this is all going to come to a head and JD’s going to wise up and realize that –”

              “That’s enough, Carla,” JD said from behind me, sounding angrier than I’d ever heard him.  I spun around to face him, surprised.  He stepped up beside me, his eyes still on Carla.  “We both know how you and the rest of the hospital feel about our relationship and what I did to Elliot.  That should have stayed between her and I, and god knows I’m insanely sorry about hurting her, but somehow everyone found out.  So you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Perry and I are together now and that he makes me _happy._ I’m not going to stand here all day and listen to you try and undermine that.”

              By the time JD finished his speech, my eyebrows had climbed up my forehead.  Needless to say, I was impressed and Carla, for once in her life, was speechless.  JD stalked off without waiting for me, though I quickly caught up and put an arm around his shoulders.

              “What do you say you and I grab some lunch?”

              “Yes, _please._ ”

 

              Ten minutes later, JD and I were seated at a table against the windows, both of us on the same side.  JD gladly scarfed down his food and when he was finished, he rested his head on my shoulder while I continued eating.  I wasn’t even all that hungry, but I knew it would be a while before I’d get another break, if I got one at all.  I glanced up on occasion and saw that just about everyone in the cafeteria was staring at us.  I rolled my eyes and finished up my food before pushing my tray away.

              “Do you think they’ll ever get tired of it?” I grumbled, moving my arm around JD’s waist.

              “Maybe,” JD sighed and though his eyes were closed, I knew he could tell what I was talking about.  “Let’s hope so.”

              Just then, Kelso walked up to our table, carrying a tray with just a piece of cake on a plate.  “Healthy lunch there, Bob,” I commented, arching an eyebrow as I looked up at him.

              He ignored my comment completely.  “I thought I’d heard about you two,” he mused aloud.  “So, how long has it been since you started riding the hobby horse?”

              “Blow it out your ass, Bob,” I muttered.  He laughed to himself and stalked off to devour his cake.

              I was surprised to find JD chuckling against my shoulder.  “Something funny, Newbie?” I questioned.

              “I’ve decided that laughing is a lot easier than getting upset by everyone’s comments,” JD told me.  It made sense.  “Besides, I don’t care what anyone else thinks, Per.  I only care about you.”

              I wasn’t sure how true it was that JD didn’t care about anyone else, but I wasn’t going to pick a fight with him right now.  “Thanks, kid,” I murmured, lifting his chin to kiss him softly, in plain view of everyone who was undoubtedly still staring at us.

 

* * *

 

 

              I’d put on a brave face for most of the day, but by the end of it, I was exhausted from all the passive-aggressive remarks I’d been the recipient of throughout the second half of my shift.  I had heard mutterings of “cheating” more times than I could count and most of the nurses would barely speak to me, which I was certain was Carla’s doing.  It had worn me down after a while and not being able to spend any time alone with Perry hadn’t helped either.  I wished that things could just go back to normal, though I knew it was impossible.  At the very least, I wanted to somehow make things right with Elliot, but I couldn’t do that if she kept switching her shifts so we worked opposite each other. 

              It didn’t help that Turk, of all people, kept shooting me disapproving looks when he saw me.  The one thing I could have used most – the support of my best friend – was nowhere to be found.  That stung more than any of the gossip I heard.  I knew _why_ he felt that way and that most of it had to do with Perry and not me, but it didn’t stop it from hurting.  Why everyone couldn’t just mind their own business was beyond me.  All I could do was wait for my shift to end.

              And finally, it did, along with Perry’s.  I met him outside the locker room and he slung his lab coat over his arm and took my hand in his.  “Long day, huh?” he sighed as we walked toward the exit.

              “You can say that again,” I muttered, keeping my eyes downcast.  I had long since grown tired of seeing everyone stare at me.

              It wasn’t long until we were out in the brisk night air and I took a deep breath.  When I looked up, I realized Elliot was walking up the ramp as we walked down and watched as her eyes slowly moved over us and the way our fingers were intertwined.  She looked away pointedly when she met my eyes and brushed past us without saying anything.  My heart sank and I looked over my shoulder as she walked inside.  I pulled my hand away from Perry’s then, my guilt rushing back full-force.  I kept walking down the ramp, toward Perry’s car, desperate to get out of here.

              “Hey, hey, hey,” Perry said, jogging to catch up with me.  “Hold on just a second.”  He took my shoulders in his hands, making me stop walking.  “Come on, kid, look at me.  We both knew this was going to be hard for a while, but we’ll get through it, okay?  She’ll come around eventually.”

              I sighed and nodded, but the pit in my stomach didn’t lessen.  “Can you just take me home, please?” I asked.  I wasn’t prepared for the way Perry’s face fell, only for a moment, but long enough for me to see.  It made the guilt press harder on my chest, but I wanted to be alone.

              “Course,” Perry replied, leading me over to his car.

              The ride to my apartment was silent, but not in a comfortable way like it had been that morning.  I stared out the window and kept my hands in my lap, though I was sure that Perry wanted my hand back in his.  I didn’t know why I was pulling back from him other than the fact that today had been hard – _too_ hard.  I was mentally exhausted.

              Perry pulled up to the entrance to my building and put the car in park.  He leaned over and kissed my cheek before I slid out of the car.  “Call me if you need anything,” he offered before I shut the door.  “You know you’re always welcome at my place.”

              I felt another stab of guilt at the tone in Perry’s voice that told me he _really_ wanted to be with me tonight, but I couldn’t make myself get back in the car.  “I will,” I assured him and gave him a small wave before I headed up to the apartment.

              I was grateful to find the apartment empty.  I kicked off my shoes and headed straight for my room, not bothering to change out of my scrubs before I flopped down onto my bed.  Moments later, I fell asleep, on top of the covers with my door wide open.

 

              When I woke up, my door was shut and my alarm was ringing.  My heart swelled with affection for Turk, who’d apparently even taken care to cover me up when he got home from work.  I reached for my alarm clock and shut it off before picking up my phone.  I had a few notifications, mostly emails, but I spotted a text from Perry.

              “Sleep well, JD.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

              It was simple, but sweet, and somehow _so_ Perry.  I realized that he was off today, but maybe he’d drop by the hospital to see me.  I hoped so – an entire shift without him seemed daunting given the recent circumstances.  Still, it had been me that had chosen to go home alone last night and not stay over at his place again.  I didn’t really regret my choice.  Being alone seemed to be good for me every so often, but knowing that I’d be facing the day without him there with me was a little worrisome.

              “Sorry about last night,” I texted back, feeling as though I owed him an explanation even though I was sure he understood.  “Slept well.  See you later.”  I resisted the urge to put about twenty emoji hearts at the end of the text and went about getting ready for work.

              The first half of my shift was much the same as yesterday, except this time, Turk and Carla weren’t there to further my guilt.  Members of the staff I couldn’t even remember _ever_ interacting with were suddenly giving me death glares and whispering about me behind my back.  I realized that maybe I _did_ care what everyone else thought of me and that even if I did make things right with Elliot at some point, it would take a lot more convincing to get everyone in the hospital to stop hating my guts. 

              I was leaning against the nurses’ station filling out some paperwork to get one of my patients discharged when I felt a familiar hand on the small of my back.  “I brought lunch,” Perry said, holding a brown paper bag and looking heaven-sent in his t-shirt and jeans. 

              “You're the best,” I sighed, signing at the bottom of the form and handing it to a nearby nurse.

              Perry and I walked to the cafeteria, which was blessedly empty apart from a few interns grabbing a quick bite.  Perry gave me the burger he’d picked up for me before starting on his own.

              “Today any better?” he asked, seeming uncharacteristically hesitant.

              I shrugged, doing more poking at my food than eating.  “Marginally,” I said, looking up at Perry.  “I really fucked up Perry.”

              Perry sighed and put down his burger.  “Did someone say something to you?” he asked, his gaze designed to intimidate me into telling the truth.

              “No,” I said, shaking my head.  “No, no one’s said anything _to_ me.  It’s all the whispering and gossiping and I guess I _do_ care what people think of me.”

              “Come on, this is none of their business,” Perry said firmly.  “They’ll get over it eventually.  Until then, you’re just going to have to man up and –”

              Perry’s choice of words made me freeze and feel sick to my stomach all within a span of a few seconds.  “Is that how you think of me?” I asked in a quiet voice, looking up at him through sheer force of will.

              “I didn’t mean it like that, JD, I’m so sorry,” Perry said quickly, his eyes going wide.  “I would never –”

              “You still see me the same way, don’t you?” I asked, my heart sinking.  “You think I’m girly and too sensitive.  I let you in, told you my whole story, and this is how you’re going to repay me?”

              “JD, it was just an expression,” Perry said, reaching for my hand across the table, which I pulled away suddenly.  “You _know_ I didn’t mean it like that.  I would _never_ do that to you.”

              “Can you just go, please?” I asked, leaning back in my chair, feeling totally defeated.  In the back of my mind, I wondered if I was overreacting, but that had been the absolute _last_ thing I needed.  Even if it was a slip-up like Perry claimed, it still meant that he maintained that perception of me even after everything I’d told him.

              “JD, come on,” Perry said in a last, desperate attempt.  “Can’t we talk about this?”

              “I have to get back to work,” I mumbled, pushing away from the table and walking hurriedly out of the cafeteria.  The only way I was going to get through this shift was to throw myself into work and refuse to let myself think about Elliot or Turk or Carla.  I added Perry to that list even though it killed me to do it.  I needed time to cool down and that meant another night spent away from him.  Maybe we had been a bad idea all along.

 

 

              I couldn’t concentrate on anything for the rest of the day other than JD.  How had I fucked up _this_ badly over something so stupid?  I hadn’t _meant_ to imply that he wasn’t a man or that he was being too sensitive, but I couldn’t blame him for taking it that way.  I mean, hell, I’d probably still be calling him girls’ names if he hadn’t told me to shut my mouth back when he was an intern.  And I knew all this gossip and judgement was hard for him; it was taking its toll on both of us and on our relationship. 

              Over the course of the last several hours, knowing full well that he was at work, I texted him a handful of times, all of them containing my sincerest apologies with the hope that he would come over tonight so I could apologize _properly._ Even after his shift ended, I received no response.  I didn’t even know if he’d read the messages, but I hoped he was just taking time to think things over and not _ending_ things.  If what I had said was a deal-breaker… I wasn’t sure I could even handle that thought.  He already meant too much to me not to fight for him.  Despite that, I was still going to give him tonight to cool down.  I’d see him at work tomorrow and we’d figure things out then.  I wasn’t letting him go without a fight, no matter what he said.

 

              The next morning, I woke half-expecting JD to be lying beside me.  After the momentary disappointment while I was still disoriented from sleep, what I’d said to him crept back into my mind and I groaned and ran a hand down my face.  Still just as stupid as I was yesterday.  I got ready for work in a haze, my only substantial thoughts about JD and what I could say to convince him I hadn’t _meant_ what I said.  I knew his shift started just before mine, so he was guaranteed to be there when I got in, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t spend the day avoiding me and that the hospital wouldn’t do its best to keep us apart. I wasn’t going to let that happen, not with him.

              I was pleased to see him when my shift began, just finishing up talking quite animatedly to a patient.  Maybe he had slept on it and decided he wasn’t upset with me anymore.  When he turned around and saw me lingering in the doorway to the ICU, watching him, his expression suddenly went blank.  Wishful thinking, Per.

              “JD,” I sighed, hurrying after him.  “JD, please, can we talk?”

              He placed his chart on the counter of the nurses’ station before turning very slowly to face me.  “I’m not talking about this here,” he said, his voice measured.  I didn’t take that as a good sign.

              “Then come over after work,” I said readily.  “Please, just hear me out.  I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m begging you here.”

              It was obvious he was still hurt, and I didn’t fault him for that.  I watched as he seemed to debate in his head whether or not he should take me up on my offer.  _Please.  Pleasepleasepleaseplease._

“Fine,” he finally replied, glancing up at me.  “But we really need to talk about this.  I’m not coming over so you can, you know, seduce me or anything.”

              I blinked, surprised he actually thought that’s what I was getting at.  “Of course,” I said, my brows furrowing.  “We’ll talk.  No expectations.”

              JD surprised me even further then when he reached up and kissed my cheek.  It was quick and feather-light, but it did wonders to put my mind at ease.  I knew a weak smile had formed on my face and I could tell by his softened expression that he saw it.  “I’ll see you tonight,” he promised before walking off.

              Thank _god._


	6. Looking For Some Affirmation

              The rest of my shift had been long and challenging, and I did my best to continue to block out the gossiping and not get worked up over it, but it was difficult not to be constantly frustrated.  The whispers that would stop momentarily as I walked past and resume before I was even out of earshot were infuriating.  That, compounded with the fact that I barely got to see JD the whole day, made me irritable and _this_ close to snapping.  Absently, I wondered if JD had purposely stayed out of my way, avoided me, but we’d already planned to talk, so he wouldn’t, right?  The thought nagged at me throughout the day and I couldn’t help but keep kicking myself for being so careless.  I had to prove to him that I was sorry and that I would change.  How to do that exactly was beyond me.

              The worry that hung over me like a dark cloud lifted some when JD somehow found me at the end of our shifts and walked out with me.  He was silent for the most part except for a few hellos he said to workers we passed.  There was something in his smile that was a little forced, which put me right back to worrying.  I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this.

              “I’ll follow you to your place,” JD said when we reached the parking lot.  He gave me a more genuine smile, which I did my best to return.

              “See you in a few,” I agreed, and as badly as I wanted to lean in and kiss him – it had been far too long already – I restrained myself and instead walked over to my car.

              I kept my eyes on my rearview mirror on the way to my place, making sure he was still following me.  I wasn’t sure why I was so nervous.  I had no idea what he was going to say to me, but I supposed part of my nerves had to do with the fact that I had no idea how to convey to him how much he meant to me, even after this short a time.  Something told me that JD needed to be reassured, physically and verbally, that I cared about him.  That wasn’t exactly something I was used to.  All my past relationships had been physical, but in a sexual way, not hugs.  Despite that, I already knew that I would try my hardest to be exactly what he needed even if I was clueless.

              Once we got to my building, I waited at the entrance for him.  We walked up to my apartment in silence and there was definitely some tension between us.  I hated it.  I didn’t want our relationship to be like that.  I wasn’t naïve, either; I knew we’d fight and have disagreements and piss each other off from time to time, but I also didn’t want a repeat of my past relationships, namely what I’d had with Jordan.  I already knew how that one ended.

              JD sat down on the couch and kicked off his shoes, which I took as a good sign.  At least he wasn’t planning to bolt on me.  I sank down next to him, though I was careful to keep enough space between us for him to feel comfortable. 

              “So,” I said slowly.  “Let’s talk.”  Great job, Per.  Starting things off strong.

              JD took a deep breath before looking right into my eyes.  “Right.  I slept on it, what happened yesterday, and I think I might’ve overreacted a little.  That doesn’t mean I’m not still hurt by what you said, but yesterday was really hard for me and I was exhausted so I took some of that out on you.”

              He was already trying to give me an out, a free pass for what I had said.  “You didn’t overreact,” I replied, my tone firm.  “What I said… JD, that was inexcusable.  I never should have said it and I’m _so_ sorry.  I just need you to know how I see you.  You’ve never been anything but a man to me, right from the start.  The girls’ names… those were cruel and I _knew_ it, even before you told me to stop.  I mean, Jesus, Newbie, you gave me your whole life story.  I didn’t take that lightly, I hope you know that.”

              “I know that,” JD assured me in a quiet voice.  “It’s always been something I’ve been conscious of.  I _know_ I come off more feminine than most guys, but I can’t change that.  It’s who I _am._ So it sort of stung when you told me to ‘man up’ even though I _knew_ you weren’t saying it because you saw me as a girl.  Like I said, it was just a really long, hard day and that didn’t _help._ ”

              Cautiously, I reached out and took JD’s hand in my own.  I was grateful he didn’t pull away and instead squeezed my hand back.  “I want to be better for you,” I said softly, keeping our eyes locked.  “I promise you, JD.  I’m going to try harder.”

              “Thank you,” JD said with just the hint of a smile. 

              “I don’t want you thinking that you don’t mean just as much to me as I do to you,” I continued, realizing I was somehow finding the words I so desperately needed.  “Because, truth is, I think I’d be lost without you, kid.  Don’t give up on me just yet.”

              “Oh, Perry,” JD whispered, looking up at me, those gorgeous blue eyes shining.  “I don’t think I could give up on you even if I wanted to.  I just needed some space, some time to think.  I’m not going anywhere.”

              I let out a weak laugh, but then quickly cleared my throat.  “That’s good to hear,” I told him, squeezing his hand again.  “Kind of ridiculous how much I missed you.”

              JD didn’t say anything just then as he moved closer to me and tucked himself under my arm, his resting solidly on my shoulder.  “I missed you, too,” he finally murmured.  “Thanks for trying so hard, Per.  I know this stuff doesn’t come easily to you.”

              I pressed a soft kiss to JD’s forehead and the sudden realization that I would do just about anything for him struck me.  Surprisingly enough, that knowledge didn’t scare me.  Maybe I _was_ capable of being what he needed, or at least I could get there someday soon.  It would be an adjustment, but god, was he worth it.

              “There was something else I wanted to talk about,” JD said after some time.  We hadn’t changed our positions since, but I pulled back to look down at him curiously.

              “What’s that?”

              “I – I think we might need to slow down a little,” JD said hesitantly.  “There’s just a lot that I don’t know about you and maybe we should get to know each other a little better…”

              I was quiet for a moment.  “Slow down,” I repeated, unsure of what he really meant by that.  “What exactly…?”

              JD sighed.  “I just feel like we jumped into bed together so quickly and now it’s all catching up with us.  Does that make any sense?”

              “I – yeah, I suppose it does,” I agreed.  “But, JD, we’ve known each other for four years.  I know your favorite color and the name of your dead, stuffed dog and just about every other thought that’s popped into your head at work.”

              “Yeah, you do,” JD said quietly.  “But I don’t know anything about you, Perry.”

              Oh.  _Oh._ He wanted _me_ to open up.  I closed my eyes for a minute and knew that if I really wanted us to be on equal footing, there’d be some things I’d have to tell him about that I made it a point not to tell _anyone._ But hell, he was supposed to know me better than anyone, right?  “What do you want to know?” I asked, looking back down at him.  “Go on, ask me.”

              He looked a little shocked by my sudden openness, but I would have been lying to him when I told him that I’d be better if I didn’t let him in.  “Oh, okay.  Uh, I guess maybe you could start with your family.”  _Ouch._ “You said you have a sister.”

              “One,” I told him.  It figured that he’d go right for my childhood.  “Paige.”

              “What’s she like?”

              I shrugged.  “We don’t talk so much now, but I guess she’s like me in some ways.  Independent and stubborn as all hell.  She’s smart, though.  And strong.  Very into the whole ‘God’ thing.”

              “How come you don’t talk?” JD asked, and I could tell he was a little nervous to pry further.

              “We don’t have anything to talk _about_ ,” I said honestly.  “She and I haven’t been close since we were much younger.”

              “That’s too bad,” JD said regretfully.  “Do you wish you were closer?”

              “No,” I answered quickly.  There were too many memories there.  “No, I don’t.”

              “Oh,” JD said, surprised.  He seemed to understand that this was a very touchy subject for me.

              “Look,” I sighed, “it’s not that I don’t want to tell you this stuff, but I don’t open up that easily.  It doesn’t work like that for me, not like you.  And believe me, I wish it did, I wish I could let you in more, but I need time, Newbie.  Just cut me a little slack here, all right?”

              JD nodded and kissed my cheek softly, one of his hands on the other side of my face.  “You’re trying,” he breathed.  “That’s all I can ask.  Take your time.”

              My heart swelled with affection for him in that moment.  “Can I kiss you?” I asked in a whisper, watching him carefully. 

              I was pleased to see a soft smile make its way onto his face.  “Course you can.”

              I leaned down and kissed him slowly, deeply.  He deserved the world.  I only wished I could give it to him.

 

* * *

 

 

              I left Perry’s much later that night, after some more talking and _definitely_ more kissing.  I was glad we had made time for each other and I felt _much_ better about our relationship.  I had never felt so much devotion from someone before and while it was intense, it made me feel safe, which was something I couldn’t always say for my past relationships.  Suddenly, it didn’t matter that no one approved of us or that they all thought they were allowed to have a say in our relationship.  The only thing that mattered to me was that Perry continued to look at me like that forever.  That look… It was like I was the only person he wanted to look at for the rest of his life.  I hoped that was the case.

              When I got home, Turk and Carla were still up, sitting together on the couch.  As if they were a single entity with two heads, they both turned to look at me when I walked in, a similar expression of disapproval on both their faces.

              “Hey, guys,” I muttered, toeing off my shoes by the door. 

              “You at Cox’s?” Turk asked, watching me expectantly.

              “Yeah,” I answered simply.

              “What’d you do?”

              I looked at Turk like he was nuts.  “What do you think?” I asked defensively.  “It’s not like he ties me up and forces me to be with him, you know.  I went over there because _I like being with him_.”

              “JD, we’re just concerned about your well-being,” Carla said in a condescending, patronizing tone that instantly made me more upset.

              “Are you really?” I asked incredulously, glaring at both of them.  “Because it seems like you’re just being judgemental and unsupportive!”

              Turk looked to Carla for help.  “Oh, just say whatever it is you want to say,” I groaned.  “Please, don’t hold back.  Let’s just get this out in the open.”

              “Look, dude, I’m just trying to protect you,” Turk said, putting his hands up in surrender.  “But you can’t seriously think that Cox is going to treat you right, like you deserve.  The guy’s a monster at work.”

              “Since when did you become an expert on Perry?” I asked, crossing my arms.  “Was it when you working right beside him over the last four years?  No?  Oh, that’s right.  That was _me._ ”

              “I’ve worked with him a lot longer than you have,” Carla pointed out, her voice suddenly stern.  “I don’t hate him, but I don’t exactly think he’s the right choice for you, JD.  He’s self-destructive and –”

              “Oh my god, you guys!” I cried out in frustration.  “He’s not the same as at the hospital!  If you had heard all the things he said to me not three hours ago, you wouldn’t be sitting here trying to convince me to break up with him.  He _cares_ about me and my happiness and safety are always his priority.  So just _give him a break_ and get off my back!”

              “JD, come on, man, that’s not what we’re doing,” Turk said half-heartedly.  I could tell he knew that was a lie.

              “I’m going to bed,” I muttered, storming out of the living room before either of them could say anything more. 

              How was it that they thought they knew what was best for me?  Wasn’t being with Perry _my_ choice to make?  I mean, I could totally understand people being upset with me for cheating on Elliot – no one was sorrier about that than I was – but the fact that it was Perry seemed to be the larger problem.  It wasn’t _fair_.  Why couldn’t anyone give him a chance?  If they saw how he was with me outside of work for just five minutes, maybe they could understand, but no one wanted to give him the opportunity. 

              My frustration didn’t lessen whatsoever as I changed into my pajamas and got ready for bed.  By the time I climbed into bed, I was still fuming.  I checked the time and wondered if Perry was still awake.  Deciding to chance it, I called him and waited impatiently for him to answer.

              “Miss me already?” Perry answered.  Just the sound of his voice did wonders to calm me, though I was still upset.

              “You guessed it,” I said, sounding tired. 

              “What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.  Was I that transparent?

              I sighed and covered my face with my hand.  “I just got interrogated,” I muttered.  “Moment I stepped in the door, in fact.  They were waiting up just to judge me, I think.”

              “I’m sorry, kid,” Perry said sincerely.  “I think we both knew this wasn’t going to be easy, the two of us together.”

              “It’s not fair,” I mumbled.  “No one will just be _happy_ for me.  I deserve that, don’t I?  I mean, _I’m_ happy!”

              “So am I, JD,” Perry said gently.  “Happier than ever.  That’s all that matters.”

              “I know,” I said quietly.  “I know that.  But they’re my best friends.  I would have expected them to at least _try_.”

              “They’ll come around eventually, don’t you think?” Perry asked.  “They’ve got to.”

              “Honestly?  I have no idea, Per.  I hope so.”

              “Come on now,” Perry said firmly.  “They will.  I’ll make sure of it.  I’ll figure something out.”

              “That’s the thing,” I sighed.  “You shouldn’t have to _prove_ yourself.  My choice should be good enough for them.”

              “I’m sorry that it’s not, Newbie,” Perry said, his tone softer.  “I really am.  That’s my fault.”

              “No,” I said quickly.  “Perry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

              “I know you didn’t, angel,” Perry assured me.  I was shocked at how quickly the name flowed out of his mouth, but found that I very much liked it.  It also made me feel just the slightest bit better.

              “Thanks,” I said softly, closing my eyes.  “I’ll see you tomorrow at work.”

              “See you,” Perry echoed.  “Try and get some rest now.”

              “I will,” I assured him.  “Goodnight, Per.”

              “Goodnight, JD,” he murmured.

              I set my phone down on my nightstand and settled down into my bed.  Instead of dwelling on my conversation with Turk and Carla, I focused on Perry’s voice on repeat in my head, calling me all manner of sweet pet-names.  I could get used to nicknames like that for sure.             

* * *

 

              When I woke the next morning, it wasn’t because my alarm was ringing.  I jolted out of my sleep, which was quite the feat considering how heavy a sleeper I was, to the sound of someone banging on the front door of the apartment.  Forcing my eyes open and blinking rapidly against the sunlight peeking in around my curtains, I glanced at the clock.  Who in the hell was at the door at seven in the morning?

              Grumbling and still exhausted, I dragged myself out of bed and shuffled toward the door.  “I’m coming!” I shouted, begging whoever it was to shut the hell up.  Finally, I reached the door and yanked it open, thoroughly annoyed.

              “Hey, little brother!”

              My older brother stood before me with his signature smile on his face and a large chocolate cake on a plate in his hands.  That couldn’t be good. 

              “What happened?” I asked, eyeing the cake. 

              “What, a guy can’t take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say, ‘Hey, how are things?’”

              “Dan,” I said insistently, the panic in my chest rising.

              “Dad died.”

              I froze by the door as Dan walked past me into the apartment, bringing the cake into the kitchen.  Eventually, I closed the door and walked robotically over to the couch.  Unsurprisingly, my mind went straight to Perry.  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called him.

              “Awful early, Newbie,” Perry answered.  It sounded like I’d woken him.

              “Can you come over?” I asked in a small voice.

              “Uh, sure,” Perry said slowly.  “Is everything okay?”

              “My dad died,” I said simply.

              “I’ll be right there.”

              It took me a few moments to process the conversation before I lowered my phone from my ear and shoved it back into my pocket.  Turk and Carla had stumbled out of their bedroom, both of them still in their pajamas, and had clearly caught the tail-end of my conversation.  Carla stared at me in horror and Turk had more of a surprised expression on his face, especially upon seeing Dan cutting the cake in the kitchen.

              “Are you okay, Bambi?” Carla asked, sitting down beside me.

              There was no talk about our argument last night.  Didn’t matter much to me anymore anyway.  I shrugged in response, staring straight ahead at the wall in front of me.  Both she and Turk asked me more questions that I either didn’t know the answers to or just didn’t care to answer.  After a while, Turk walked over to Dan, who’d demolished two-thirds of the cake already.  I heard Turk tell him we had ice cream in the freezer and heard Dan say, through a mouthful of cake and ice cream, that our dad had had a massive heart attack and that funeral arrangements were being made.  They talked in quiet, hushed voices, though I didn’t understand why.  I was sitting five feet away from them.

              When I next looked up, Perry was walking over to me, a worried expression on his face.  “You’re here,” I said softly.

              “Of course I am,” he said gently, sitting down next to me where Carla had been ten minutes ago.  “You called.  I came.”

              I said nothing as I leaned into Perry’s chest.  He didn’t hesitate in wrapping his arms around me and holding me tightly, for which I was grateful.  I _knew_ that my dad had died, but I hadn’t processed it yet and it was for that reason alone that I wasn’t crying my eyes out.  Turk and Carla passed by us several times, shocked looks on their faces, probably because Perry wasn’t fulfilling their expectations of how he treated me outside of work, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.  Eventually, I grew tired again, and settled against Perry, my head on his shoulder and my legs in his lap.  Soon after, I fell asleep, my mind blank.


	7. I Miss My Baby

              I didn’t dare move while JD slept on me.  He needed to rest, especially since the loss of his father was bound to sink in sometime soon and I doubted he’d be getting much sleep after that.  I watched as Turk and Carla went on with their lives and got ready for work while Dan sat behind me at the kitchen table, steadily demolishing an entire cake.  Everyone had their own way of coping, I supposed.  I glanced down at JD’s face every so often and was sad to find that he didn’t look like he was sleeping peacefully.  I only wished there was some way I could ease his pain.

              “Don’t you work today, too?” Carla asked me as she pulled on her shoes.  She was careful to keep her voice quiet so she didn’t disturb JD.

              “Yeah, but this is more important,” I replied, gesturing to JD’s sleeping figure.  “Don’t suppose you’d be willing to cover for me and tell Kelso what happened?”

              “You got it,” Carla agreed.  I was surprised given what JD had told me they’d said to him last night, but apparently _something_ had changed.  “Take care of him, all right?”

              “You know I will,” I said, trying to convey just how devoted I was.  She gave me a soft smile and even Turk looked a little less hostile toward me as they left.

              I was grateful to find that Dan had left the room and noticed the bathroom door was closed.  Maybe he’d realized he’d eaten too much cake.  I looked down at JD once again and sighed.

              “Come on, kid,” I whispered.  “Let’s get you into bed.”

              With some effort, I stood, keeping JD firmly in my grasp and headed toward his bedroom.  It turned out he was much easier to carry when he was cooperating and not fast asleep.  At least he was a heavy sleeper and the move wouldn’t wake him.  As gently as I possibly could, I set him down on his bed and pulled the covers over him.  I pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before leaving the room and pulling out my phone, deciding to call Kelso myself and get it over with.  It’d save Carla the trouble, at least.

              “This is Bob Kelso, Chief of –”

              “Bob, it’s Perry,” I said, cutting him off.  I wanted this conversation to be over as quickly as possible.

              “Perry,” he replied, his tone scathing, “aren’t you supposed to be working right now?”

              I rolled my eyes before I continued.  “JD’s dad just died,” I told him.  “He’ll be needing some time off.”

              “I see,” Kelso said after a moment.  “Well, you know, there’s protocol for this sort of thing, a death in the family.  I’ll make sure it’s taken care of.”

              I was a little surprised that he hadn’t given me a harder time.  “Right.  Good.  That’s good.”

              “And Perry?” His tone was gruff.

              “Yeah?”

              “You go ahead and take a few days yourself.”

              I couldn’t believe my ears.  Was Kelso being _kind_ for once in his rotten life?  “Thanks,” I muttered before quickly hanging up.  Never look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.  The conversation had been more than a little awkward, but it had gone much better than I had anticipated.  I shot a quick text to Carla telling her that everything was taken care of and then walked back into JD’s room, pulling the door closed behind me.

              Certain he wouldn’t mind, I laid down beside JD, though I didn’t have any intention of sleeping.  Instead, I looked all around his room, over the bookshelves that made up his headboard and the little decorations he had scattered here and there.  Movies and books, most of which were, unsurprisingly, fantasy or romantic comedies, some medical journals and textbooks left over from his days in med school, a few medals from when he was a kid, though I couldn’t imagine they were related to any sort of athletic prowess, and some board games that looked like they’d been gathering dust for years.  All the clutter was endearing in a strange way.  All of it was so uniquely him.

              I turned my head to my left to look over the last section of shelving in his bookcase/headboard when my eyes caught a black and white polaroid.  Something about the photo, which I couldn’t quite make out from this angle, told me that it was exactly what I thought it was.  It was one of Ben’s.  Carefully, I picked it up and my eyes first traveled to the note that was written in the white space in blue marker: _I see the way you look at him._ It was most definitely Ben’s handwriting, but I didn’t understand why JD had it in his possession until I actually looked at the picture.  It was me.  Sitting in a chair in Ben’s hospital room.  It had been a candid, of course.  I didn’t even remember him taking it.  I was reading something – a magazine, maybe – and looked thoroughly engrossed in it.  But the note Ben had written…

              I slowly realized what it meant and why JD had kept it for so long.  He had had feelings for me for much longer than he’d let on.  Not only that, but Ben _knew_ about it.  My head was spinning as I processed this revelation.  Losing Ben had hurt far more than I had ever let on and there were still times, even now, that I missed him more than I could bear.  It hadn’t been quite a year since he passed and not a day went by that I didn’t at least think about him.  I had briefly considered going back to Jordan just for the familiarity and the reminder of Ben, but I knew it would have been wrong.  Besides, he and I seemed to agree that I ended up with someone that I cared a great deal more about. 

              After one last look at the picture and the handwriting beneath it, I set the picture back on the shelf where I’d found it and laid down next to JD, wrapping my arms around him and breathing him in.  It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been sure last night or that I wasn’t dedicated then, but now I was even more certain in regards to our relationship.  I promised myself, and him, that I was going to put my all into this.  It didn’t matter that it’d be hard sometimes or that it would probably be easier to push him away and run.  I owed it to JD and to myself to do something that made us both happy.  We deserved that much.

              Hours later, JD woke up in my arms.  I hadn’t fallen asleep, but I had closed my eyes.  He moved closer to me, tucking himself against my chest, and sighed softly.

              “How’d you sleep?” I murmured.  I didn’t relax my hold on him, especially since it seemed to make him feel a little better.

              His only answer was a shrug.

              “Can I ask you something else?”  I asked hesitantly, not sure that now was really the best time, but I had to know.

              “Of course,” JD said softly.

              “I saw that picture on your shelf… the polaroid.”  I grew worried when JD immediately tensed in my arms.  “It’s okay,” I said quickly.  “Really, it’s fine.  I just… I saw what he – what _Ben_ wrote on it and I just wanted to know how long this has been something you’ve wanted.”

              Gradually, JD sat up, his cheeks a little red.  “It’s been… a long time,” he finally replied, hugging his knees to his chest.  “I’d kind of given up hope, though, but he gave me that when he came back to visit.  He kept it all that time.  And then, when you said it was… my fault… I thought for sure you’d never want anything to do with me.  I know you didn’t mean it, not really, but that’s part of the reason why I fixated on Elliot again.  She was – and god, this sounds so cruel – my back-up because she’s my best friend and I do love her, but it’s not in the way I thought.  But you… Everything started, my feelings for you, I mean, when – when we first met.  On some level, anyway.”

              I raised my eyebrows, surprised, but then again, the signs had been there.  “If I’m really being honest with myself, and I’m sure trying to be, I guess I could say the same.  There was always something about you, JD, and I was never able to put my finger on it, but even though you drove me up a wall, I liked having you around.  I didn’t always know _what_ I was feeling and god knows I’ve been nothing short of awful to you, but I can promise you it’ll never ben like that again.”

              “I know,” JD whispered, looking up at me.  As if in slow motion, I watched as his tears finally came.  He folded in on himself, letting his forehead fall onto his knees as his body shook with pitiful cries.  I knew it was no use trying to get him to stop – he had to get his emotions out somehow – so I gathered him up into my arms and held him tightly. 

              “It’s okay,” I murmured, burying my face in his hair.  It broke my heart to see him like this.  I had seen JD sad or upset many times over the course of the last four years, but I realized I had never seen him cry.  He looked so small and _young_ and all I could think was how badly I wanted to take care of him and make him feel better.  I felt helpless knowing that there was nothing I could do.  I had never been much help when people cried, so I settled for holding him and promising him that he’d be all right.

             

              JD had cried himself back to sleep yesterday and was out for most of the day.  Dan had asked me to tell him that their flight back home would be leaving the next day and JD had tried to pack, but he looked so upset that I told him I would take care of it.  When he got up the next day, I had everything ready for him – all he had to do was shower and get dressed, which he managed to do.  He seemed relatively okay, but didn’t have much interest in eating anything.  When JD was out of earshot, I made Dan promise me that he’d make JD at least drink water to stay hydrated.  I hoped I could count on him. 

              Turk had offered to drive the two brothers to the airport, but JD had insisted that I come, so we had taken my Porsche.  The car ride was long and tense and I was grateful when we finally parked and headed inside.  I held JD’s hand the whole time until we reached the security checkpoint.  We both knew this was goodbye and JD hugged me tightly.

              “I wish you’d let me come with you,” I said quietly, very nearly lifting him off the ground with how tightly I was holding him.

              “You can’t take that much time off work, Perry.  I’ll be gone for a week,” he replied in a muffled voice.

              “I know,” I sighed.  “Just… call me, okay?  Whenever you want.”

              I pulled back and kissed his forehead, wishing I could keep him here with me.  He broke away to say an awkward goodbye to Turk – clearly their issues hadn’t been resolved just yet – before hurrying back to me for one last, long hug. 

              “I’ll miss you,” he whispered, his arms around my neck.

              “I know, sweetheart,” I replied.  “I’ll miss you too.”

              “Come on, little brother,” Dan said insistently, tugging on JD’s shirt.  “Time’s a-wastin’.  See ya, Coxie.  Later, Christopher.”

              The two of us stayed and watched them for as long as we could.  Eventually, they made it through security – and the satisfaction I felt when they singled Dan out and gave him a good old-fashioned pat-down was something Turk seemed to share – and turned a corner, putting them out of sight.  Turk and I turned away and made our way back to my car.

              I drove us back to the hospital, where we both had shifts starting soon.  The car ride was totally silent until I parked in my usual spot.

              “Thanks for taking care of him,” Turk said, staring straight ahead.  “Never thought you’d step up like that.”

              I let out a breath and ran a hand through my hair.  “Yeah, never thought I would either, tell you the truth,” I admitted.

              “This doesn’t mean I like you, though,” Turk was quick to tell me.  “You’re gonna have to work a lot harder for that.”

              I rolled my eyes and half-smiled.  “Whatever you say, Gandhi.”

 

 

              Later that day, while I was in the on-call room trying to get a nap in, my phone started buzzing.  I was briefly annoyed until I saw that it was JD.  I picked up right away, grateful I was the only one in the room.

              “Hey, Newbie,” I answered, bracing myself for what state he’d be in.  I knew his father’s service was today and that’d he’d probably be upset.

              As soon as he spoke, it was obvious he was crying even though I was sure he was trying to hold it in for my sake.  “Hi,” he said thickly.  “I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”

              I closed my eyes, feeling my heart break even further.  The thing that had helped me most at Ben’s funeral was JD’s hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t be there for him physically right now.  I wasn’t so good with words at a time like this, but I had to try.  “I promise we’ll spend some time together when you get home, how’s that sound?” I offered.

              “That sounds really good,” JD agreed, sniffling. 

              “I’m real sorry I can’t be there with you, JD,” I said quietly.  “How’re you holding up?”

              “I – I’m okay, I guess,” he said.  “It was a nice service, as far as those things go.”

              “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.

              “Not right now,” JD said softly.  “I can’t.  It’s still too real.”

              “That’s okay,” I assured him, aching to touch him.  “Relatives behaving themselves?”

              JD snorted, but the sound ended with a small sob.  “One of my great aunts, who I haven’t seen in years asked what the hell happened to me.  She wanted to know if I was one of those lesbians now.”

              “Jesus,” I muttered, suddenly angry.  “JD, I swear, I’ll come out there if you want me to.”

              “No,” JD said after a brief pause and some more sniffs.  “No, I’m sorry, I just… It’s so much all at once, you know?”

              “I know,” I sighed.  “I know.”

              We were both quiet for a moment until I blurted out something I didn’t even know to be true until I said it. 

              “I love you.”

              The following silence was deafening.  So much for slowing things down like JD had wanted, Per.  I began to wonder if he’d hung up, decided that this was _way_ too much at once, when he finally replied.

              “I love you, too,” JD whispered and I could hear the pain in his voice lessen just slightly.  “So much.”

              His words sent every trace of panic fleeing and it began to sink in just how true my statement was.  I _loved_ him, more than I could even describe.  He meant the world to me and now I’d told him as much and he was halfway across the country.  At least I knew where we stood now.  Somehow, somewhere, I’d done something right.  He loved me back.


	8. Had Some Bad Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just worked my last shift ever at Retail Hell, my birthday is tomorrow (Feb. 22), and I start my new job in 5 days. Right now, life is freakin' great. Expect some more updates over the next week! For now, enjoy chapter 8!

              Our plane landed, but for whatever reason – probably just to torture me personally – we weren’t allowed to leave yet.  Every moment spent away from Perry grew more and more agonizing, and Dan, who’d gotten drunk on the numerous tiny bottles of alcohol he’d kept requesting, wasn’t helping in the slightest.  I began to feel claustrophobic, wedged between the window and Dan, who had little to no concept of personal space at the moment. 

              “JD, are we still flying?” he slurred, turning to look at me and wafting his horrendous breath my way.

              I waved a hand in front of my nose, trying to get rid of the smell.  “No, Dan,” I said tiredly.  “We just can’t get off the plan yet.”

              “I think we’re being held captive,” Dan cried, brandishing an imaginary weapon at a passing flight attendant.  I had tried to warn her to cut him off much earlier, but she was obligated to do her job. 

              I sighed and sank back into my seat, knowing that all this would be over soon enough.  Soon, it turned out, couldn’t come fast enough thanks to my drunk, unruly brother and a particularly noisy child who seemed to enjoy kicking my seat.  Normally, I didn’t mind flying, but my trip back home had been exhausting enough.  All I wanted was to relax for the first time in over a week.

              Finally, the captain announced that we were free to get off the plane and I was grateful I had sprung for first class – or rather, Perry had when he bought the tickets – because we were the first to be let off.  I dragged Dan along with me, juggling his carry-on bag as I walked through the airport.  It seemed like forever until we finally reached the doors that would let us out into the waiting areas, and I eagerly searched for Perry among the crowd.  My eyes darted from face to face, looking for the blue eyes that I’d missed so much.  Eventually, I spotted him, lingering just off to the side, looking for me as well.  I pulled Dan quickly toward Perry, but let go of him and dropped his carry-on in favor of throwing my arms around Perry and hugging him as tightly as I could manage.

              “I love you,” I whispered, burying my face in his neck and he lifted me a few inches off the floor.  Since he’d said it for the first time during our phone call, I couldn’t wait to say it back to him in person and hear it for myself, _for real._ “I missed you so much, Perry.”

              Perry set me back down and took my face in his hands with a tenderness that made me weak in the knees.  He kissed me, then, softly and slowly, before murmuring, right against my lips, “I love you, too.” 

              I had never heard something sweeter in my life and I was certain I would never get tired of hearing him say it.  I rested my forehead against his for a few moments longer until I felt Dan tugging on my shirt.  I did my best to hide my frustration, but I knew Perry would pick up on it anyway.

              “How long are you two gonna suck each other’s faces off?” Dan slurred, having wrapped his carry-on bag around him in such a way that he couldn’t move his left arm much.

              I took a deep breath and turned back to Perry.  “Can we go, please?” I asked, noticing the way a muscle in his jaw jumped as he glared at Dan.  “Ignore him.  He’s drunk.”

              The ride back to my apartment was long, but I didn’t particularly mind, especially once Dan shut up.  Perry laced our fingers together the moment he put the car in drive and didn’t let go once after that.  I closed my eyes, feeling the vibration of the car, the cool leather seats, Perry’s rougher hand against my own.  The week I’d spent back home had reminded me of all the reasons why I’d left Ohio, of which there were many.  The last thing I had needed was to hear passive-aggressive – and even well-meaning – remarks about me, whispered just behind my back, from relatives I hadn’t seen since I was a kid.  Even my mom, who’d remarried countless times since she and my dad got divorced, didn’t seem to want to bother to tell them off, and I just didn’t have it in me.  I had pretended not to hear everything, and if Dan hadn’t been drunk off his ass the entire time, I suspected he would have said something.  Leave it to my big brother to disappoint me yet again.  At least I was here now, with Perry, where I truly felt safe and loved and _happy._

              Perry squeezed my hand and jolted me out of my thoughts some time later and I realized he’d pulled up next to the entrance of my apartment building. 

              “Hey, Dan,” I said, reaching behind me to shake him, “get up.  We’re back.”

              Dan muttered something unintelligible, but soon started clambering around in the back with his bag until he finally managed to get the door open.  “You coming?”

              “I’ll be right up,” I assured him.

              Dan grunted in acknowledgement and slid out of the car, none too gracefully.  I watched him, making sure he actually got inside the building before I turned to Perry.

              “Can we go to your place?” I asked desperately.  “Dan is _not_ helping.”

              “You got it,” Perry replied, speeding out of the parking lot without a second thought.  I could instantly tell that he’d missed me just as much as I had missed him.  All I wanted was to have some time alone with him, completely uninterrupted by my brother, my friends, or hospital workers who had no business knowing the ins and outs of our relationship.

              “He’s been drinking all week,” I sighed as Perry and I walked into his apartment.  I’d brought my suitcase up and let it fall onto the floor near the couch, which I slumped down onto.  “I’m pretty sure he was drunk at the funeral, too, if his eulogy was any indication.”

              “I’m sorry, Newbie,” Perry said regretfully, sitting down next to me and rubbing my shoulder.  “Is there anything you need?  Anything I can do to help?  I’m not really sure what to do here.”

              I managed a small laugh as I leaned over to kiss Perry’s cheek.  “You’re helping just by being here, Per,” I said honestly.  This was the best I had felt since I’d heard the news.

              “Come here,” Perry muttered, pulling me halfway onto his lap and moving an arm around my waist.  He kissed me again, like he had at the airport, gentle and sweet.  “I really did miss you this week.”

              “You have no idea,” I said softly, relaxing into him.  “It was kind of a nightmare.”

              “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, tracing light patterns on my thigh with his fingertips. 

              “I mean, apart from Dad dying, I had to deal with all the crazy aunts and uncles and cousins I never see anymore,” I said quietly.  “Some of them I haven’t even seen since I was a kid, before I transitioned.  Let’s just say that people in Ohio aren’t always the most open-minded.”

              Perry sighed.  “I’m so sorry, JD,” he said, shaking his head.  “You shouldn’t have to deal with any of that, especially not at a time like this.”

              “I’m glad it’s over now,” I replied.  “And, Perry, I know that you’ve never had a problem with me, but I just want to thank you for never making me feel… unsafe about who I am.  I’ve been in relationships, or situations, where I’ve felt that way, and there’s a _reason_ why Turk is so protective of me.”

              Perry’s brows furrowed as he looked at me.  “What do you mean, there’s a reason?”

              “Some guys in college…,” I murmured.  “You know how I mentioned a few guys roughing me up? It was worse than I let on. I didn't want to freak you out. It was our first year and I was pretty early on in my transition, hadn’t had my surgery yet.  They followed me after class one night.  Turk had skipped to catch up on homework and they grabbed me and beat the hell out of me.  Said awful things while they did it, too.  I – I don’t even know how I got home, because they just left me lying there.  I could hardly breathe – or walk – but somehow I got to our dorm and Turk just about lost it.  He and I had hit it off right away, but when I finally told him I was trans, he didn’t really get it.  He asked some stupid questions, said dumb things, but he didn’t understand.  I found out after the fact that he did a ton of research, pretty much anything he could find, so he could become more educated.  Uh, anyway, that night was kind of a turning point.  He made me go to the hospital, but I couldn’t tell them who attacked me.  I had an idea who it might have been, but it was so dark… Turk has been over-protective of me ever since.  Came in handy a couple times, but I think it’s part of the reason why he’s been so resistant to the idea of the two of us.  He just wants to make sure I’m safe.”

              Perry swallowed hard when I finished, but remained still.  “I will never, _ever_ let anyone hurt you, JD,” he finally whispered, lifting my chin with a single finger.  “Least of all me.”

              “I know,” I assured him, wrapping my arms around his neck.  “I know you won’t.  All that stuff is in the past now.”

              The two of us sat in silence for a long time after that, both of us holding each other.  I closed my eyes and listened to the beating of Perry’s heart, felt the soft thrumming of it in his chest.  I loved him so wholly and unequivocally, but it didn’t scare me.  I could see our future laid out in front of us, ours for the taking.  We could have whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted it.  None of the usual panic filled me when I thought about just how _committed_ we were to each other.  Instead, I embraced it, found myself reveling in it.  I only wished we hadn’t waited so long to really find each other.  Now that I had Perry, I wasn’t letting him go, not for anything.             

* * *

 

              One of JD’s arms fell from around my neck some time later and I knew he was asleep.  He seemed to like falling asleep on me, and I didn’t mind one bit.  If I could somehow relax him and make him feel safe and comfortable enough to fall asleep on me, I knew I was doing something right.  As he slept, I thought about how I loved him.  I didn’t just love parts of him here and there.  I loved all of him, totally and completely.  When it came to loving someone, I had always thought I had to pick and choose the parts of a person and love them in spite of the things I didn’t like.  With JD, things were vastly different.  I loved every last little detail about him, from his laugh to the way he curled against me in bed.  I even found myself falling in love with the things I never thought I would: his fascination with that stuffed dog, his tendency to get too attached to his patients, how immature he was some of the time… All of those things that had annoyed me at one time were now things that made me fall deeper in love with him.  I could appreciate his flaws for what they were, and I didn’t have to hate them.  It was an unfamiliar feeling for me.  I remembered compartmentalizing Jordan, sectioning off the things I hated about her and trying to pretend they didn’t exist.  Looking back, that might have been a contributing factor in our downfall.  I didn’t have to worry about that happening with JD, not with the way I felt about him now.

              I looked down at JD, with his head resting on my shoulder, his nose just barely brushing against my neck.  I couldn’t see much of his face at this angle, but I knew the bags under his eyes were still there.  He was so strong.  So goddamned strong and he didn’t even know it.  Everything he’d told me about when he’d been attacked proved that.  To be able to overcome something like that and end up on the other side _better_ for it… I didn’t think he had a clue how _proud_ he made me.  And now, to be able to say that he was mine and I was his… It made it all the better.  I hoped one day I could show him how much he meant to me.

              I broke out of my thoughts when JD made a quiet noise, more of a whimper than a sigh.  I looked down at him, wondering if he’d woken up, but he appeared to still be asleep.  It became clear that he was dreaming when he mumbled something unintelligible, but the tone in his voice was that of sadness, like he was begging someone for something. 

              “JD,” I murmured, rubbing his back to try and gently wake him.

              He whimpered again, this time more pitifully, and my heart broke.  Maybe he was dreaming about his dad. 

              “JD,” I said more firmly, giving him a little shake. 

              He jerked awake then, sitting bolt upright and nearly knocking his head against mine.  “What is it?” he asked, his eyes wide and bloodshot.

              “Hey,” I said gently, continuing to rub his back in soft, reassuring movements.  “I think you were having a bad dream there, Newbie.”

              JD blinked a few times before slumping back against me, relaxing.  “Yeah, I was,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

              “You want to tell me about it?” I asked.  I kept my tone light, offering him an out if he wanted it.

              “It was Elliot,” JD answered after a short pause.  “She was yelling at me, accusing me of – of things I hadn’t done.  Terrible things.”

              “I see,” I said quietly.  I didn’t know how to reply, but thankfully JD didn’t seem to expect much from me.

              “How… how was she this week?” he asked, playing with a loose thread on his shirt.  “I mean, how did she seem?”

              “She was all right,” I answered after some consideration.  “Not quite herself, I’ll give you that, and she stayed out of my way for the most part, but she seemed okay.  When she found out about your dad, she seemed pretty devastated, though.  I heard her talking to Carla about it, saying that she felt terrible.”

              “Oh,” JD said, a hint of surprise lacing his voice.  “I guess that’s something.”

              “I guess so,” I agreed.

              “I really hope we can go back to just being friends at some point,” JD sighed.  “I know she needs time, I get it, but I miss her.  We had a lot of good times together.”

              “I’m sure she’ll come around.”

              “I hope so.  I know what I did was awful and she totally has every right to be mad at me, but I wish there was something I could do to fix it.  I should have been a better friend to her.”

              “JD, we all make mistakes,” I told him.  “I’m just as guilty as you are in this.  The only difference is she never liked me to begin with.  Can’t say I feel much differently about her.”

              “Can I ask you a favor?” JD asked, cautiously looking up at me.

              “Shoot.”

              “Can you please be nicer to her?  She tries so hard, Perry, she really does.  I know how she can come off sometimes, but she means well and she’s a _really_ good doctor.  She deserves a chance.”

              I looked back at JD for a moment before I nodded.  “If it means that much to you, I’ll give it a shot.”

              “Thank you,” JD said softly, leaning up to peck my lips. 

              As if I wouldn't do _anything_ for JD if he asked.


	9. Practicing the Same Religion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here you have it: the ninth and final chapter of Lessons in Love! I have wildly enjoyed this fic, especially since I spent several days planning the whole thing out before I actually began writing it. I also love writing trans JD and will most assuredly write more fics and oneshots with him. Anyway, I hope you've all enjoyed reading and in the meantime, before I start working on my next fic, please feel free to check out my past fics and my collection of JDox oneshots!

               I looked up from my spot on the couch where I was leaning back and flipping through a magazine, my glasses perched atop my nose, and raised my eyebrows.  JD was clumsily making his way into my apartment with armfuls of shopping bags.  Apparently making more than one trip was not something he was interested in.  He kicked the door shut behind him and I watched in horror as he set them all down next to the couch as he grinned at me, revealing the most god-awful Christmas sweater I had ever seen.  It was red and featured a large reindeer head on it.  That wasn’t the worst of it, though.  The reindeer’s nose was flashing bright red and the antlers were 3D and flapped around at JD’s sides. 

              “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I asked when I finished looking him up and down.

              “Perry, come on,” JD sighed, gesturing at the room.  “Your apartment needs some serious Christmas cheer.  Don’t fight it.”

              I sighed and shook my head before looking back to my magazine.  I knew by now, after three months together, that there was no use in telling JD no.  He’d find a way to convince me one way or another, some methods more enjoyable than others.  For instance, to get me to let him watch _Finding Nemo_ immediately after a football game, he slid to his knees right in front of me during halftime.  On the other hand, when we’d taken a day trip to the coast and he’d wanted to listen to _his_ playlist, he sang extremely loudly, _over the top_ of _my_ music until I finally caved.  Regardless of what method he chose, he always got his way.  I didn’t exactly mind either.  Seeing him happy was just about always worth it.

              And besides, Christmas decorations surely meant mistletoe.

              “Don’t worry,” JD said, unknowingly voicing my thoughts, “I got plenty of mistletoe and I _promise_ I’ll make it worth your while as soon as I finish decorating.”

              I grinned and leaned back against the couch.  “Maybe if you make it worth my while _now,_ I’ll even help you,” I said nonchalantly.  I didn’t have to look up at him to know his reaction.

              JD walked right up to me after untangling himself from the last few shopping bags.  “What exactly did you have in mind?” he asked in a casual voice.

              I looked him up and down before tossing the magazine over my shoulder and throwing my glasses onto the coffee table.  I dragged JD down onto my lap and kissed him hard, letting my tongue explore his mouth that tasted purely of candy canes.  JD very nearly purred as he threaded his fingers into my hair, pulling a little roughly.

              “Seems like you missed me while I was gone,” he remarked, already breathless.

              “Damn right I did,” I confirmed, biting at his lower lip in the way that never failed to make him whimper.  “Had half a mind not to wait until you got back.”

              I saw the change in JD’s eyes as they glazed over with pure want, his hips rolling against mine of their own accord.  “Fuck me,” he said in a low voice.  “Right now.”

              I grunted my approval.  “Yes, _sir_.”

              After that, we scrambled to get each other’s clothes off as quickly as possible, especially that goddamn sweater.  When I mentioned a condom, JD practically sprinted to our bedroom with his pants still around his ankles and narrowly avoided falling flat on his face.  I couldn’t help but laugh at the way he kicked his pants the rest of the way off, flinging them toward the front door, before disappearing into our room.  I could hear him fumbling around as I finished undressing, tossing the last of my clothes onto the floor.  He was back mere seconds later, breathless and carrying a handful of condoms.

              “I panicked,” he announced, dumping them onto the cushion next to me, which made me laugh even more.

              “You act like we’ve never had sex before,” I snorted, picking a condom at random and tearing open the wrapper. 

              JD grinned then and snatched the condom out of my hand.  “I bet I can make you moan like it’s the first time,” he said casually, kneeling on the couch and taking my cock in hand.

              “You know, I think you might be onto something there,” I breathed, my eyes locked on his as he stroked me slowly, holding the condom in his other hand.  “Though I did have very firm plans of fucking you, angel.”

              “You will,” JD assured me, leaning in to suck lightly at my neck. 

              I reached up to run my hand over JD, any part of him I could find – his chest, his shoulder, his arm, through his hair… Even now, after so long, he was still intoxicating.  Never did his rhythm falter, even as he began to roll the condom onto my cock, which was plenty hard by now.  He took great care in stroking me, his pace so slow it was agonizing.

              “Newbie,” I murmured as my eyes fell shut.  He didn’t acknowledge me apart from nipping at my collar bone.  “ _JD_ ,” I said more insistently, knowing the usage of his real name would affect him. 

              Sure enough, JD pulled his hand away and straightened up as he kissed his way back up my neck, to my jawline, and eventually my lips.  Wordlessly, he straddled me, swinging a leg over me and wrapping his arms around my neck.  My gaze flickered back and forth between his eyes and his lips and gasped when he slowly sank down onto my cock, his warmth enveloping me in the way it always did, though it felt just as good every single time. 

              Our frantic pace had vanished and was replaced by the slow, sensual rhythm at which JD rolled his hips.  He did not moan, but gasped and whimpered instead.  He was always the most incredible sight I had ever had the honor of beholding, and though I didn’t often say it, especially not that way, I think he knew. 

              “I love you,” I whispered, sliding an arm around his waist, holding him close to me.  “So gorgeous.”

              JD rested his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as he rocked against me.  I could feel every single time he tightened around me and it was nothing short of perfect.  “I love you,” he echoed in a breathless voice.

              I reached down, moving my hand between his legs.  Encouraged by the whimper he let out and the way he sped up his movements just slightly, I rubbed him quickly, exactly in the way I knew he loved if the way he moaned was any indication.  “Oh, Perry,” he whined, his voice barely more than a whisper. 

              My name falling from his lips never sounded better.  He felt so good, so perfect, so _mine._ It had been several days since we’d been able to be together, given our hectic schedules during the holiday season.  That didn’t mean that we hadn’t tried to sneak in a few quickies and handjobs in on-call rooms and supply closets, some of which had been interrupted before we could even finish.  It had been furiously frustrating at the time, but it also gave me more time to realize how much JD had grown as a doctor – and how intensely proud of him I was.

              “I know, baby,” I purred, rolling my hips up against him.  “Wish you could see yourself right now.”

              “Should see _you_ right now,” came his gasped reply, his half-moans coming more frequently.  “Never – _fuck_ – never looked better.”

              The husky tone of his voice… I wondered if he knew how much it affected me.  I supposed he did, if the way my cock twitched inside him, _hard,_ gave him any clues.  “Keep talking, JD,” I encouraged.  “Let me hear you.”

              “You feel so good, Perry,” he whispered.  “So _thick_ and _hard,_ buried _deep_ inside me.”

              I groaned in response, rubbing him a little faster.  I had to give him credit; he’d gotten _much_ better at dirty talk since we got together.  He’d taken some cues from me and that, compounded with realizing how much it got me going when he did it, that he’d become quite skilled.

              “Love when you fuck me like this,” he continued, and I was rather surprised at the fact that he was still going.  Normally, he’d be nearly incoherent by now.  “Nice and – and slow, so I can feel every inch of your cock.”

              _Fuck._ He really was getting good and I was getting _close._ “I’m so fucking hard, JD,” I said, very nearly whimpering.  “Gonna make me come.”

              JD suddenly caught my mouth in a searing kiss, frantic and desperate, and before I could even process anything more, he came _hard,_ moaning high and loud against my lips _._ Typically, he announced that he was about to come, or that he _was_ coming, but this time it seemed to have overtaken him so suddenly or been so intense that he couldn’t.  It was certainly intense for _me_ , feeling him tighten impossibly around me and then spasm repeatedly, positively milking me.  I came immediately after, cursing and groaning, all of which was muffled by JD’s kiss.  This marked, by far, some of the best sex we’d ever had, which I made an effort to catalogue in my mind despite how hazy I felt as I slowly came down from my high.

              JD melted on top of me, practically going limp against my chest as the both of us fought to catch our breaths.  I wrapped both my arms around his waist then, and rubbed small circles on his lower back. 

              “Merry Christmas to me,” I muttered.

              I felt JD smile against my neck.  “Still got two more days,” he mumbled in response.

              We stayed that way for some time until JD slid off me, needing to stretch his legs.  “Don’t think I forgot you promised to help me decorate,” he said fondly, bending back down to kiss me once again.

              “I wouldn’t dream of it,” I promised him, running my hand down his side. 

              JD turned away then, heading for our room, talking to himself about changing into his other Christmas sweater.  I rolled my eyes as I watched him go.

              “I know you’re looking at my ass,” he called over his shoulder just before disappearing through the doorway. 

              I barked out a laugh, but couldn’t deny that he was right.  I carefully removed the condom and tossed it in the nearby trashcan before gathering up our scattered clothes.  Following JD into the bedroom, I caught him in another kiss just before he could go to the closet.  It didn’t last very long considering the way he was grinning.

              I chuckled and started pulling my clothes back on: jeans and a Red Wings jersey.  JD dressed quickly in the bottoms he’d come over in, but fished in his side of the closet – I’d had no say in that matter – for another heinous Christmas sweater.

              “Christ almighty, Newbie, where do you find these?” I asked incredulously as I took in the sweater.  On it was a large Christmas tree with various colored bulbs, which I had a sneaking suspicion would –

              “But, Perry, they light up!” JD said excitedly, flicking a switch on a small battery pack attached to the sweater and turning on the lights.  They twinkled red and blue and green and orange.  He’d certainly stop traffic if I let him out in public in the thing. 

              “Would you quit it and show me where to put your decorations?” I sighed, shaking my head. 

              JD smiled widely and led me back out into the living room.  I bent down and began rifling through the plastic bags, figuring I’d help him get everything unpacked and sorted.

              Suddenly, JD was practically on top of me and yanking me away.  “There’s presents in there!” he cried, sufficiently shocking me.  “ _No peeking_.”

              I blinked at him as I straightened up before I began to laugh.  “No peeking,” I promised, raising my hands in surrender.  “Just decorating.  I swear.”

              He seemed satisfied by my promise, though he kept a close eye on me as he sorted through the bags.  Some of them he cast aside, eventually getting up and bringing them into the spare room, which he’d turned into a Christmas present wrapping station and general hub of Christmas cheer, on the first of the month.  I sat patiently on the couch, waiting for direction.

              “Here,” he said, shoving a box at me.  “This is the mistletoe.  I want one in every doorway.  And I mean _every_ doorway.”

              “You got it,” I told him, walking from room to room as he continued to unpack and organize every small detail.  At one point, I heard the front door open and poked my head back into the living room to see him hauling in a box that contained a six-foot artificial tree.

              “Really?” I sighed, watching him skeptically.

              “Perry, it’s not Christmas without a tree,” JD said firmly, staring me down.

              “Fine, fine,” I allowed, knowing there was no use in arguing with JD over Christmas decorations.  At least he was putting it up _now,_ two days before the day in question and not a full month beforehand.  I turned back down the hall toward the master bath, hanging some mistletoe in the glass doorway of the shower just to be a smartass.  I was sure he’d appreciate it, though.  By the time I finished my task and double-checked that I had gotten _every doorway,_ JD had the tree completely assembled in the living room.  I was actually rather impressed by the speed with which he worked. 

              “Pre-lit, I see,” I commented, vaulting over the back of the couch and taking a first row seat to JD’s creative genius.

              “Saves time,” he said with a shrug.  “String lights were never my strong suit.”  He bent down and plugged it in, lighting the whole thing up.  I did have to admit that it made the room feel cozier. 

              “Looks very nice,” I said genuinely.  It was more than worth the warm smile that formed on his face and the soft blush that spread over his cheeks.  I had to admit, the enthusiasm with which he celebrated the holiday was quite endearing.

              He said nothing as he began unwinding the garland from its cardboard packaging.  I leaned back, watching him contentedly, folding my arms behind my head.  It slowly became apparent that garland was not JD’s strong suit either as he ended up tangled in it before he’d hardly gotten any on the tree.  I chuckled and walked up behind him, on the pretense of helping him, but further wrapped the stuff around him so he couldn’t move his arms.  He was all smiles even as he started to tell me to be careful so I didn’t snap the garland.

              “Come on,” he whined, though he giggled when I pressed soft kisses to his neck.  “We have to get this done before the party tomorrow night.”

              I instantly froze and turned him around to face me.  “What party?” I asked suspiciously.  “What did you do, JD?”

              JD looked up at me sheepishly, biting his lower lip.  “I may or may not have invited some people from the hospital over for a Christmas Eve party here…”

              I groaned, knowing that the place was just as much his now as it was mine, though nothing was official.  “Oh, you are _so_ paying for that tonight, Newbie,” I threatened, starting to unwind the garland.

              “Promise?” he asked hopefully, wrapping his arms around my neck as soon as they were free.

              “You bet your ass I do.”

 

* * *

 

 

              I watched over the party, grinning from ear to ear and feeling rather proud of myself.  Just about everyone I’d invited had showed up and the living room was packed with hospital employees.  The holiday playlist I had taken great pride in making before I let Perry fuck me into the mattress last night seemed to be a hit.  Turk and Carla were over in the corner talking to Perry, who had a mug of what I suspected was spiked eggnog; Laverne appeared to be threatening Todd for what was surely another one of his ridiculous and poorly-timed innuendos; The Janitor, who I hadn’t even invited, was rambling to Kelso, who seemed to be so drunk he didn’t even care; and Elliot was standing against the far wall, looking a little lost.

              I took the opportunity to talk to her.  She and I hadn’t spoken much apart from work-related conversations since my dad died, and we definitely hadn’t breached the subject of our break-up and my cheating on her.  I had a feeling she hadn’t wanted to cause me anymore emotional pain after losing my dad, so we just didn’t talk about it.  It wasn’t as though I was eager to bring it up, but it left a lot of tension between us.  I, of course, still felt incredibly guilty about what I’d done to her and didn’t want her to think I was somehow using my dad’s death to get out of facing up to it.

              “Hey,” I said casually as I sidled up to her.

              “Oh, hey,” she said quietly, just barely loud enough for me to hear her over the music. 

              “You have any plans for Christmas?” I asked, trying to stay polite.

              “Oh, well, Turk and Carla invited me over, but I don’t want anything to be awkward –”

              “Perry and I decided to spend the day together,” I told her.  “Just us two, here.”

              Elliot nodded and took a sip of her drink.

              “Listen, Elliot, I just wanted to apologize to you,” I said, launching into a speech that I hadn’t prepared.  “You know, again.  I really hope that someday we can be friends again, but I know what I did to you was horrible and that you need time, so… so you just let me know when we _are_ okay, all right?  If I could go back, I would have been honest with you right from the start, from the first moment he kissed me.  It never should have gone on that long.”

              Elliot didn’t immediately respond.  She took another drink, seeming to think things over.  “Thank you,” she said softly, lifting her gaze to me.  “But I’m still not ready to go back to the way things were.  I still love you, JD, and I know we’ll be friends for a long time, but I need more time, you know?”

              I nodded, a little disappointed, but more than happy to hear that she saw hope for us, too. 

              “And don’t think I don’t support you,” Elliot said suddenly.  “I see how happy Dr. Cox makes you.”

              I smiled and looked over at Perry.  I caught his eye as he leaned against the wall, no longer paying attention to Turk and Carla’s conversation.  He winked at me and my heart swelled with affection for him.

              “Thanks, Elliot,” I said, my eyes still on him.  “I think he and I are gonna be together for a long time.”


End file.
